Tuesday, March 31st

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I have the sneaking suspicion that a coworker is out to get me.  My therapist thinks I’m just paranoid.  But like my coworker will say rude things about me to people he knows will report back to me.  I don’t care if people need to vent about me, but to deliberately say it to some one who will repeat it to me?  It’s rude!  And I am never copied on his meeting memos.  And I think someone is urinating on the floor of my cubicle.

So?  Am I just paranoid?

Yours Truly,

Suspicious


Dear Suspicious,

I’d like to say “Oh you’re imagining things” but the truth is I think more people are out to get us than we realize.  So if you suspect someone is after you, they probably are.  Wait, is the correct grammar: “if you suspect someone is after you, they probably is”?  Huh, that’s tricky.  Anyway, that’s just one person’s non-scientific theory and maybe a good therapist could change my mind.  It would have to be a really good therapist though, because I’m very committed to my neurosis.  In these tough economic times, you really have to guard your resources.  This isn’t the time to give up on paranoia or insecurity or explosive rage syndrome.

Some people might suggest that you go to H.R. with your complaints.  I think that a little patience and ingenuity are always more effective than any H.R. department I’ve ever had experience with.  Here are some low-key retaliation suggestions:

1. If this person isn’t copying you on important memos, respond by copying him on everything you send out or respond to.  Especially things that are not relevant to anything he does.  When he confronts you, calmly and smilingly explain that you are just keeping him “in the loop” because you know how much you personally hate being “left out of the loop”.  Suggest coming up with a quick list of things you’d each like to be included on.

2. After a co-worker has reported something rude or offensive he has said, stop him in the hall.  Say “Nancy just told me the most hilarious joke you said about me” and tell him exactly what you were told.  It’s ok to throw the person who squealed under the bus, because I think people who tell you rude things that other people say about you are also assholes.  Aren’t they?  They’re still insulting you, even if they didn’t originate the insult.

3. If some one is urinating on your cubicle floor, it should be very obvious.  The evidence will include wetness and a urine-like odor.  If this evidence is not present and you still suspect foul play, perhaps you should talk to your shrink about medication.

Sincerely,

Poor Lucky Me

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