Dear Readers,
The decision has been made: Poor Lucky Me will be attending this year’s Taste of Chicago. It was not an easy decision to make considering that two of my most hated activities are standing around in a crush of fat people and eating standing up.
However I think that it’s high time to expose myself to some activities popular among the rest of society. Preliminary research shows that the public enjoys nibbling on a variety of fried novelty foods (turkey leg, candy bar, twinkie), staring at each other’s tattoos in jealousy and hoping that others are jealous of their own tattoos, and using porty-potties.
To prepare myself for the upcoming dive into The Taste, I have made the following adjustments:
1. I hastily gained 45 pounds. My heart pounds when I roll over in bed now, but it is important that I blend in with the other food-revelers.
2. I have cut down to one huge meal a day. To keep my stomach gaping and insatiable, I have eschewed breakfast and dinner for three weeks. Instead I eat a 5000 calories lunch that starts with chocolate chip pancakes and ends with a fifth of Jim Beam.
3. Elastic waist banded pants have replaced anything fitted in my wardrobe. I appreciate the gastronomical freedom these pants afford me.
4. All laced or slip on shoes are stored away and have been replaced by Crocs or flip flops. My toe nails are appropriately yellow and horny. Perfect for outdoor dining!
5. A bottle of Maalox is consumed each night before bed to coat and sooth my intestines.
I still have a lot of work to do, but I think I’m on the right track. My roommate is still trying to talk me out of bringing a weapon, but it seems like a pretty good idea so far. Please feel free to weigh in with your suggestions.
With Love,
Poor Lucky Me
I would suggest some form of portable human waste device. Despite your very well planned preparations, you may come across a combination that your system rejects – for me it’s the fried dough when combined with any large size gyros platter if it comes after my traditional appetizer of a 4 slices of deep dish Hawaiian and matching loaded jumbo red hots. Sometimes I can hold things together with a couple of giant soft pretzels. But they can be as hard to find as a porta-let.
I really like your extreme commitment to gorging! I can’t wait to try wrapping one kind of food inside another food- Brilliant. Regarding a human waste device: I’m going to use any defecation urges as a signal to rush home. I’ll bring a zip-loc bag in case of emergencies.
And if your zip-loc fills up and you are miles from your bathroom, I’ve found that a funnel cake will do in a pinch!