To The Older Gentleman Who Works Out In Running Shorts,
Please, put a pair of pants on. I can’t watch you stretch, do leg lifts, lunge, or do leg presses anymore. I swear to god I’m going to have to say something if I catch one more glimpse of your pale, hairy, upper thigh. It seems like you prefer to do exercises on your back- which causes your tiny silky shorts to slide down your leg and reveal more skin that I see on an average episode of The Girls Next Door.
Today I sat on the rowing machine and stared at the ceiling to avoid an anatomy lesson that could be impossible to recover from. I’ve seen you in those shorts every weekday for 7 weeks now (which gives me a whole other set of nightmares) and I am certain that you are doing this on purpose. I have attached a picture of another man who thinks he looks sexy in running shorts. At least he has the decency to wear his shorts really tight so they won’t bag and slide around his twigs and berries when things get strenuous. Although from the looks of it, that’s not why he wears his shorts so tight.
Anyway, I could write paragraphs describing my terror at the prospect of your shorts bagging a little too low. I don’t want to burn out my imagination on awful images. I’d rather imagine myself getting unnecessary surgery or having to survive on my own urine after a camping trip gone awry. I’d rather imagine getting napalm burns or how eating broken glass would feel. I’d rather imagine shaving the gentleman in this picture than have to watch you do one more set of deep squats.
Please, I’m begging you; if you want to expose your genitals join a social networking group Internet for older semi-fit bears. Please let me burn the calories I plan to replace with ice cream cake and nachos in peace.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me
This shit was fucking hilarious.
You might think it’s hilarious, but it’s ghastly! It’s terrifying! This guy doesn’t have a centimeter to spare.
Now, here’s what kills me: there are mirrors in gyms. My gym is chock ‘o block full of mirrors – they cannot be avoided much to my chagrin. Do you think that guy would avail himself of looking in one to maybe get a glimpse of the old nads hanging out? Methinks this fellow is sadly self unaware.
Thank you for bringing this problem out in the open. My only hope would be that fellow reads your letter. But you know if he did, he wouldn’t think it about him but some other poor old sap.
Based on the shocking number of pictures I found on the internet of geezers in running shorts, I’m pretty sure this is a fetish. Maybe next week he’ll show up in a plushy costume.