I’m trying to get my Master’s Degree in the social implications of Whole Foods. The interaction between the employees and patrons and their collective relationship to the products present a fascinating study in Douchebagology.
The employees are dreaded, tattooed hippies who openly resent the people shopping there and are hostile if asked for a plastic bag. The average customer is an upscale, annoying yuppie with children in tow and/or talking loudly on a cell phone.
How do these two groups co-exist in the same over-priced food store? Going there is like watching that video where the lion takes care of the gazelle baby, except the baby needs gazelle milk and you just know eventually the lion is going to get a hankering for baby gazelle meat.
You cannot shop at Whole Foods if you’re in a hurry. Even if the aisles weren’t jammed with high-end baby carriages and recently tummy-tucked mothers, it’s nearly impossible to find anything. I’m pretty sure the store layout was designed by highly intelligent apes who were taught how to use drafting software. They did a decent job considering they aren’t human, but we’ve come to expect a little more when shopping for $3 tomatoes.
The aisle design couldn’t make less sense, especially considering how many people who work there are probably stoned. I always expect to find a lost, scared hippie having a freak out in the frozen food aisle because they can’t find their way back to the coffee section.
Hopefully my adviser will accept my dissertation idea, because I’ve already logged in hundreds of hours observing the animals in their natural habitat. I had a spy camera made out of a hemp necklace that i wear around the store while I stare at people ordering cheese.
I think people need to know that the problem is not them, it’s Whole Foods.
It should also be noted that many of the employees don’t own televisions, which could also have an effect on their confused opinions of their customer base.
Well, many of the employees may SAY they don’t own televisions, but even homeless guys will sneak into Best Buy to catch a few episodes of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.