Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’ve decided to go on a diet. I don’t really need to lose too much weight, but I’d like to have something I can use to relate to people. I’m in sales and I think it will help my approachability.
In your experience, what are some great diets I can explore? Do you think it’s worth it to have some fat pictures doctored up to show people?
Signed,
Dieting My Way To Riches
Dear Dieting,
Your sales techniques is creatively disturbing. I don’t approve of what you’re planning, but am intrigued by your deviance. What a creep you must be, huh? But, luckily for you, I’ve got the dieting secret of the century.
The diet is called The Revenge Diet or The Hate Diet (depending on if you’re in the hating stage or have moved on to active revenge). You first choose your target- an ex, a parent, a co-worker, the captain of the football team, etc. Then you think about how much you hate them/want revenge.
Spend about two days doing this. Write lists if that helps you and see if you can take a couple of personal days from work. You don’t want your professional duties distracting you from stirring up the hateful energy you’ll need to burn calories!
Now, you should be eager for revenge by the end of two days. Take that feeling, squeeze it into a little ball and imagine putting it into your stomach. Assuming you are an American with a high school education and access to the Internet, you should already know what foods are healthy: Vegetables, fruits, lean protein, drink a lot of water, try to avoid very processed or sugary foods.
Imagine yourself eating like a peasant or sustenance farmer. The first few days will be invigorating, and you probably won’t even need your revenge ball. But at some point you’ll want some pizza or a meatball sub, or ice cream cake. Take a few bites of anything that you want, but then focus on the revenge ball that’s been waiting patiently in your stomach. Concentrate on growing it until it fills your stomach and makes you full. You can’t eat anymore because you’re already satiated with revenge! It’s delicious and nutritious.
I once lost 35 pounds after a break up using this method. When I bumped into my ex and they saw me looking fit and sexy, the revenge ball got smaller and smaller until it disappeared. I’ve had to recall it a few times since then, but it gets easy the next few times around.
As I typed the last few words of the above paragraph, I started to feel guilty that I’m giving you my wonderful diet plan to use for nefarious purposes. On second thought, I realized that your future clients could really benefit from this as well. So good luck, you scumbag!
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me
