Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’ve had my desk in the far corner of my office for quite some time now. I really like being alone. I can eat whatever I want, pass gas, talk on the phone. It’s a paradise as far as cubicle placement goes.
Last week, the new person noticed that there were a couple open desks near me and has asked to move his work station. I would prefer he change his mind before he gets settled.
The move is taking place next Friday…any great ideas on how to nicely discourage him from changing desks?
Signed,
Nothing Too Gross Or Mean Please
Lucky for you I happen to be working on a similar project of me own, so I have already done a lot of research.
Tomorrow, go over to the offending co-worker and in a friendly and open manner, offer to bring him or her a refreshing beverage from the vending machine. (NOTE: This gag works best with a soda or “pop” can, so try and time it right so the co-worker doesn’t ask for coffee.)
Once you select and purchase the drink, open the pull tab. Do not tamper with the contents. Walk back to you co-worker, laughing maniacally and snorting. Hand the can over without making eye contact, still snickering. Your opponent will be wary.
If they ask you if you’ve done something to the drink, act hurt. Insist that they drink it in front of you. Keep making a huge issue about it until they are very uncomfortable and freaked out.
Say things like “What do you think I’d do to your drink? Do you think there’s a reason I’d want to mess with you? Don’t you trust me?” When they finally relent and take a sip, clap your hand over your mouth and keep saying “Oh Damn!” over and over again. Laugh hysterically and gag a little between gasping for breath. When they ask what you’re laughing at, insist it’s nothing and walk quickly away.
This is a proven way to keep this person from wanting to have anything to do with you whatsoever.
Best,
Dear Nothing Too,
Poor Lucky Me
