Addressing Legitamate Fears of the 21st Century – Thursday October 22nd

paul_hogan_as_michael_j_crocodile_dundeeDear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I just don’t understand what I was doing before I got my iPhone.

 

How did I get anywhere without the little GPS? How did I entertain myself when I had to wait in lines without Scrabble and Solitaire and Tetris and email and You Tube on my phone?

 

More importantly, what will I ever do if I’m out somewhere and the battery runs out. Or, God forbid, I lose it? I think I’d be wandering around the city, crying and scared until some one picked me up and forced me into sex slavery.

 

Is this a common fear?

 

Signed,
I’m Delicate

 


Dear I’m Delicate,

 

Well I can say with certainty that before I had my iPhone I rarely left the house. I used to have a compass in my car that kept me oriented, but if I had to travel by foot I was terrified.

 

I tried to learn how to tell time by watching Crocodile Dundee on a continuous loop one weekend, but I ended up just falling in love with Paul Hogan. To this day there is a court order that prohibits me from calling or sending any packages to his home. That’s unfortunate because I think that Paul, or “Croc” as I call him, and I would be the greatest of lovers and friends. We’d have that kind of relationship where you just feel like you can’t even breath with the other person I had a bidet installed in my apartment so that if he ever does come over, he’ll have a place to wash his socks.

 

Your fears about sobbing in public and being sold into sex slavery are very common, and very real. I know they’re real because I live across the street from where Dick’s Last Resort used to be. Every Friday and Saturday night I get asked where Dick’s relocated and I can just tell it’s code name for something really scary. Because no one in their right mind actually wants to go to that restaurant/bar, and you know it.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

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