Let The Holidays Begin! – Thursday November 19th

2060541012_bcc660e2d3Dear Poor Lucky Me,


Help! Thanksgiving is practically tomorrow and I am completely unprepared. I’m running out of time so I will get right to the point:


1. Money is crazy tight this year so I thought I would hunt a turkey rather than buy a frozen one at the store. Do you recommend bow hunting (I’m thinking this would be cheaper) or using a hunting rifle?


2. I love deep fried anything. How hard it is to oil boil a turkey? Other than a fire extinguisher (stolen!) is there any other special equipment I will need?


3. I’ll be frank: Small children, nay, all children annoy me after about five minutes. Can you please tell me how to gently word an invitation that says leave the kids at home but bring whiskey?


Thanks Poor Lucky Me.


Tom Turkey


Dear Tom Turkey,


Tough economic times call for tough food gathering measures. Your ingenuity should be lauded by your friends and co-workers. Turkeys are scary looking beasts though. I imagine the stronger, more delicious ones could peck your eyes out in five seconds flat.


According to www.bowarrowhunting.com hunting a turkey is very difficult. I didn’t read the whole article, but maybe once they spy your drunk ass hiding behind a tree they use their wings and talons to rain holy terror upon you. Actually, I just went back and read more of the article. It turns out that using a blind to hide from your target can be great fun for new hunters and children. Using a series of gobbles, clucks and purrs, you lure the unsuspecting turkey towards you. I guess he thinks that you’re insane, so he’s not too scared. Then you try and bust an arrow in him.


Check with your local hunting laws first, but why not just set up some booby traps. Like throw some corn in a hole and when the turkey goes to check it out chuck a hand grenade in there. It won’t be pretty, but you’ll definitely have a dead turkey. Then you can scoop up what’s left and easily fry it in oil. Voila!


Children are a lot like raccoons: it seems like a good idea to invite them into your house but the next thing you know they’re rooting through your garbage, releasing their scent glands, and unpredictably defecating outside of the bathroom. If you don’t want children in your home you have to really commit to a child-hostile environment. Leave exposed wiring and broken glass around around the house. When your guests with children call, say “I hope you’re bringing Taylor, because our chimney is filthy and I’d love her to scramble up there and knock a few of the dead birds loose.” Then laugh in a sinister way.


Poor Lucky Me

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...


  1. HM says:

    Oh wow that is crazy! Hunting turkeys sounds difficult. Good luck on that one!

  2. Elizabeth says:

    I love the thought of booby trapping a turkey and creating a child-unfriendly environment. Too funny.

  3. Tom Turkey says:

    Hand grenades and broken glass. Got it. Thanks PLM!

Speak Your Mind