Let The Holidays Begin! – Thursday November 19th

Tough economic times call for tough food gathering measures. Your ingenuity should be lauded by your friends and co-workers. Turkeys are scary looking beasts though. I imagine the stronger, more delicious ones could peck your eyes out in five seconds flat.

According to www.bowarrowhunting.com hunting a turkey is very difficult. I didn’t read the whole article, but maybe once they spy your drunk ass hiding behind a tree they use their wings and talons to rain holy terror upon you. Actually, I just went back and read more of the article. It turns out that using a blind to hide from your target can be great fun for new hunters and children. Using a series of gobbles, clucks and purrs, you lure the unsuspecting turkey towards you. I guess he thinks that you’re insane, so he’s not too scared. Then you try and bust an arrow in him.

Check with your local hunting laws first, but why not just set up some booby traps. Like throw some corn in a hole and when the turkey goes to check it out chuck a hand grenade in there. It won’t be pretty, but you’ll definitely have a dead turkey. Then you can scoop up what’s left and easily fry it in oil. Voila!

Children are a lot like raccoons: it seems like a good idea to invite them into your house but the next thing you know they’re rooting through your garbage, releasing their scent glands, and unpredictably defecating outside of the bathroom. If you don’t want children in your home you have to really commit to a child-hostile environment. Leave exposed wiring and broken glass around around the house. When your guests with children call, say “I hope you’re bringing Taylor, because our chimney is filthy and I’d love her to scramble up there and knock a few of the dead birds loose.” Then laugh in a sinister way.