Dear Poor Lucky Me,
How can I politely tell my co-worker that if she doesn’t turn off the Christmas music that plays constantly in her cubicle I’m going to have to take a hammer to her radio?
I’ve tried to use restraint, but have to admit I recently brought a hammer to work. I’m worried.
Signed,
Don’t Want to Lose My Job Over “Here Comes Santa Claus”
Dear DWTLMJOHCSC,
You can’t be polite about the Christmas music if you’ve already brought a hammer to work. This is a code red situation. You have to tell your co-worker that this is a dire mental health issue that only she can help you avoid! Throw some water on your face and armpits if you don’t think you can get yourself to sweat and look hysterical.
People really don’t act hysterical enough in their professional lives, in my opinion. It is the punctuation emotion. When you have had just enough of people ignoring you, take your voice up to shrill, let your eyes roll in their sockets, and get hysterical. I find that people come to me less often when important decisions need to be made if I remain at a low level of hysterical at all times. You can always crank it up if you need to.
Also, to be perfectly honest, I can’t think of a better reason to freak out then having to hear “Santa Baby” six times a day. That song changes me from a calm agnostic into a frothing at the mouth-believer in the devil. I’ve been known to fall to my knees, writhing and clawing at my ears when I hear that song. It’s just too much to handle, especially in a Gap. The Gap and that song at the same time? Hell does exist here on earth my friends.
Please, I implore you to seek help before you cross a line. Talk to your H.R. representative if necessary. Sue someone. Just don’t smash anything up.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me
