Dear Poor Lucky Me,
The other day I was in the break room at work, making my co-workers laugh by telling stories about my encounters with Don Juan Assholio. That’s what I call my boss. Suddenly the room went silent and I turned around to find my boss standing there. He said- who’s Don Juan Assholio? I blurted out “my new boyfriend”. He said “Really? We should have dinner sometime. How about Thursday night?” I agreed.
I don’t have a boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure my boss is just trying to torture me because he knows I’m lying. Do I scrape up a fake boyfriend somewhere or just admit that I was mocking him?
Signed,
I Wish I Could Say I Learned My Lesson, But I Know Myself Better Than That
Dear I.W.I.C.S.I.L.M.L.B.I.K.M.B.T.T.,
Don Juan Assholio? That’s kind of funny, but I sure know what it’s like to take a so-so joke to the next level to impress a crowd. In fact, that’s one of the hairiest traps a person can walk into- socially. Not physically. Physically you want to avoid those pits dug into the group and set with sharpened spears then covered over lightly with brush. Because when you fall into those you get impaled by the sharpened spears. Also, look out for trip wires that cause branches to whip around and hit you in the face. I just read that those branches are often tipped with fecal matter to increase the possibility of infection. So, try and remember that at least.
I’ve got to say- faking a boyfriend, going to dinner just to prove to your boss that you’re not a jerk- the whole scheme smacks of Weekend at Bernie’s II. Are you going to get a Real Doll and put him on crutches and tell your boss and his wife that your boyfriend is a deaf/mute/anorexic? Or ask a friend to pose as your boyfriend then have some awkward moment at the end of the date where you either have to fake a fight in front of your boss to explain the break up? (Actually I like that Jennifer Aniston movie where she’s the “Ad Executive” and hires a guy who really likes her to play her fiancee- with hilarious, then heartbreaking, then heartwarming results).
Of course your boss is torturing you. Just go into his office and apologize profusely. Tell him that you were actually talking about another co-worker- some one who was also in the break room- and that you were too chicken to out yourself. Tell him you have learned your lesson, and thank him for his patience. Then really try to learn your lesson.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me
Ok. I guess Poor Lucky Me has the right answer but part of me would be tempted to go in and say that I couldn’t go to dinner because my new boyfriend had just dumped me therefore earning his name Asshollo. Of course, I’m a complete coward who would rather lie then admit guilt so I would have to take Poor Lucky Me’s advice.
I think that’s an excellent alternative if you’ve got a good enough memory to keep up with the story. because I’m not smart, I prefer the truth. It’s just less to keep track of.