Mustachioed Man Cries For Help – Tuesday January 26th

greatmoustache_fullpic_2Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I hope that this doesn’t fall on deaf ears. Everyone thinks that guys with mustaches have it all, and by most accounts, they are right. There are a few areas where we are continually short-changed and I hope you can get this out to the masses.

 

I have a healthy mustache and of course a good career, so I don’t need extra income but I still like to model my mustache for others to enjoy. Ever since this new “mustache explosion” my services are in higher demand. All too often though, I go to a casting call and lose out to a guy with a fake mustache who will take a lower paycheck for the job.

 

As you can probably imagine, I organized a trade union and we are boycotting the advertisers that use these so-called “mustachioed” men, but people keep crossing our picket lines. If we were Teamsters, this would not be happening.

 

I just wish that guys that wear T-Shirts like the one in this photo would heed their own message.

 

Please Help,
Thick and Long

 


Dear Thick and Long,
I had no idea this was such a problem, thank you for bringing it to my attention. It’s easy to assume that people with lush facial hair have it all- I mean think of all the bearded ladies just livin’ it up on a carny’s salary!

 

I did hear a story on This American Life (which was later made into a movie) about Santas with real beards. They were so sick of fake bearded Santas stealing their jobs that they formed a union: the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. Later, of course, the group was plagued by in-fighting and eventually broke into warring factions. That’s how much passion the real bearded Santas have!

 

In the meantime, why don’t you take a cue from the Real Beards and organize? You have rights! You have power (in a way)! My roommate wears a mustache sometimes and we get away with all kinds of illegal nonsense because cops just assume he’s either one of them, or some kind of mustachioed vigilante. You should see where he parks his car when he’s sporting that monster!

 

I’m sure that someone will pick up this story of your mustache angst and make a film about it. Maybe not a feature, but definitely a short film.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

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