10 Things I Could Really Use Jack Bauer’s Help With:
1. Learning how to kill someone with everyday household items. Because you never know when you’ll need to know.
2. Getting my mom to admit what REALLY happened to our first dog. She swears it went to live on a farm. Jack Bauer will get to the bottom of this…
3. Confronting the people that stand right outside my office building doors, smoking cigarettes and throwing their butts on the sidewalk. He’ll make them pay.
4. Teaching me how to be an Olympic freestyle skier. I’m not asking for a gold medal, but I think it’d be a useful skill to have under my belt.
5. Showing me the proper way to give the heimlich maneuver. It’s something I’ve always been intimidated by, but I know Bauer would have just the right amount of confidence and finesse.
6. Successfully motivating me to get out of bed in the morning and eat a healthful breakfast. Not just some bullshit cereal, but real oatmeal and fruit. Or a homemade fruit smoothie.
7. Teaching my dog to speak at least enough English to order pizza and call RCN when my cable goes out. But I don’t want him to use CTU-type methods on her. Just gentle encouragement and patience.
8. Having a calm but stern chat with the fellow who lives upstairs from me who bounces a ball on the floor all Saturday and Sunday while he watches tv and doesn’t get the message when I pound my broom on my ceiling and scream swears at him.
9. Become famous.
10. Regular meditation.
