Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I think I’m in a bit of trouble. I called in sick today and told my boss that I had eaten bad clams. He replied “you should quit eating clams, this is the third bad batch you’ve had in a year”. Needless to say I almost crapped my pants. I just hadn’t been paying close attention to my excuses, and clearly he’s on to me now.
What do I do? We are days from my yearly review and I do respect my boss. I just don’t like going to work all the time. Please answer fast, I’m sort of freaking out.
-Name Withheld
I’m sorry I lied but it’s only because I picked up a stomach virus when I was in college and went to Eastern Europe with my parents. The virus usually lies dormant in my intestines but occasionally gets stirred up and wreaks havoc on my entire system. (Look down at the floor when you say “system”).
Explain that you didn’t tell him before because people at your other jobs got all freaked out about it even though the virus is decidedly not contagious. Try to remember to wring your hands and actually feel the embarrassment.
If your boss has any social skills whatsoever, he will mumble an apology while slowly walking backwards and holding his hands up in a “don’t come near me” gesture. This method is a bit of a gamble because some people will ask a lot of follow up questions. Do not get defensive, or make up detailed answers. Instead act like you are dying of shame and want to melt into the floor. Excuse yourself quickly and awkwardly.
Most importantly, take this opportunity to learn your lesson. Yes, write your excuses in your home calendar. And do not lie if you can’t handle the consequences. It’s a better idea to just go into work and hide in the stock room or the bathroom until the day is over. Spend the day calling co-workers and asking questions that elicit long responses. Calling in fake-sick is so 1995.
Sincerely,
Dear Name Withheld,
Go into work tomorrow and tell your boss the following:
Poor Lucky Me
