A Secret I Might Have Already Told

One secret is I was afraid to get pregnant. I know a lot of women are- you give up your old life, part of your old identity, work gets murky, your non-baby friends might fade away. I was afraid of those things but I was also afraid that my charmed life would doom me.

I know how dramatic that sounds. But I felt that dramatic about how easy my life had been. I had had bouts of depression and self-loathing, but it wasn’t anything that a good shrink and anti-depressent and a few years and the right man couldn’t clear up. My jokes about failing upwards weren’t jokes though. I really felt like I had had it easy, that things just kept working out in spite of my many attempts to sabotage myself.

So I became afraid of taking risks. I thought that the status quo was safer. Occasionally I got cornered into taking risks- like my Second City classes and required performances. When things like that worked out I thought- “Oh yea, I don’t believe in luck, I believe in logic and statistics, and statistically, some people are going to have an easier life than others.” (well…statistics and wonderful parents and supportive siblings and friends and a darling husband). I really wanted a baby though, despite my fears. So Tom and I talked it over, and my boss and I talked it over, and eventually I screwed up my courage and we went for it. And we got pregnant right away! I felt like I was prepared for anything that might go wrong, because I had so much love and support and good energy in my life.

But I never accounted for ending up with an empty belly and empty arms.

I guess this is the stage of mourning where I start feeling a bit angry and sorry for myself.

The other secret is that I never dreamt about my baby. But I did dream that he was going to come early, and I was so afraid and I didn’t know what to say or do to stop it. In the dream I knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t want to look like an annoying yuppie mother, so I didn’t scream. I didn’t demand. I remember that dream so vividly- I even told my boss about it the next day.