The Memorial Service was beautiful. So many wonderful friends and family came, and it really was a celebration of Tommy Jr’s life, and our family. It was everything I hoped it would be. I’ll write more about tomorrow because it deserves a good, uplifting context.


But afterwards, I started thinking. And I suppose I was crashing hard from the high of the 200 hugs I had just gotten…but I felt like a failure. A fucking failure. Maybe it’s a primordial, female feeling. Maybe it’s still the hormones. I think back on every asshole thing I did while I was pregnant- complaining about being fat and bitching that I couldn’t fit into shoes. I know it doesn’t make sense to say any of this now…but I wish I had just loved every minute of it. I loved a lot of it, and a lot of that stuff I said to try and be funny, but I did bitch for real sometimes. And here I am now. Trapped in my apartment- trying to smoke cigarettes because it’s the most risk-taking I can handle at this age. Terrified that people are going to tell me they know exactly what I’m going through or that I’ll hear someone complain about their children.


My body is still betraying me, but now in a different way. Tom keeps trying to remind me that my body didn’t betray me by going into pre-term labor, but it’s hard to get there mentally. If my sweet baby was still in my belly, everything would be perfect now. It was my body that stated pushing Tommy Jr out, it’s not like he went for a swim and took a wrong turn. But I know this is just something that time will have to heal.


Then three days ago my bony ankles appeared again- I cried for hours. My breast are small again, my fingers have slimmed down so much that the little gold ring I bought to wear for a pregnancy wedding band slips around my knuckle dangerously. I’m terrified that the little bandages holding my incision together are going to fall off, even though the doctor said it was ok if they did. I still have to wear god damn maxi-pads, because it turns out if they cut your uterus it bleeds for a while.


It’s too late for me to really be writing- I’m too drunk, stoned and sedated. I’ll end this but post it just to feel like I did something today other than sleep and cry.


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  1. Krys Neuman says:

    Dear Heather and Tommy, I really think nature takes its course sometimes, and for good reasons that we don’t always understand. Because of this I hope you will stop beating yourself up! Its becoming more and more evident how strong and loving you are as a couple. So you will make very good parents someday. And I bet that will happen! You are right, the passage of time will heal! Please hang in there until it does! All us readers are wishing you the best! Krys (friend of Pat and Mario in Whitehall, and you guys too!

  2. John Sullivan says:

    Heather and Tom, Tuesday evening’s service was really beautiful. I have never seen so many sad and heartbroken yet supportive and loving people in one place. You could feel the love. It was palpable – yet another gift from Tommy Jr.

  3. Sarah says:

    Thinking of you, Heather! Try not to beat yourself up. We are our own harshest critics. I think you are wonderful, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

  4. Nelson says:

    you are one of the few people that I believe are so beautiful inside and out. Keep your head up. The few hugs I give are saved for you and Tom.

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