List- Monday May 3rd

10 Things I Wish I Had Known About Porta-Potties Before I Used One Last Weekend*:

1. No one let’s the pregnant lady go first. In fact, people will gleefully budge past a pregnant lady if she’s moving a little slowly because she just did a 5k Cancer walk with NO complaining.

2. Although it seems obvious that there should be one line and the person in front should go to the next available porta-potty- as opposed to each person waiting in front of one potty- this is a concept that most people cannot grasp.

3. The phrase “Don’t let the door hit you on the ass” was obviously written after someone got hit on the ass with a porta-potty door. Those things are spring loaded and violent.

4. The actual toilet is just a big pit of blue chemicals. If you look down into it you will never be the same. I’m talking about a huge pile of waste, toilet paper and lost cell phones and sunglasses. Think of the porta-potty as a Medusa: Don’t look it in the eye.

5. You should put your cell phone in your front pocket (see #3)

6. Do not wear flip flops. I was thankfully in sneakers but I had gory fantasies of being in flip flops. When I got how I had to rinse my sneakers in diluted bleach.

7. Due to a lack of running water, after using the potty one can only hope that there is some green-apple scented hand sanitizer left.

8. Re: #7 the hand sanitizer is only scented green-apple. It is actually not flavored green-apple

9. Re: #7 & 8 the hand sanitizer is NOT a substitute for hand washing and therefore all eating or drinking or handshaking or nail biting must be postposed until one can find an actual sink. I may start carrying those soap singles on me from now on as a result of the porta-potty experience.

10. You are never really alone in a porta-potty. There is always at least one fly or one pervert watching you as you use the potty.

* I have been known to avoid porta-potties to the risk of my health- recall last year’s Taste Of Chicago Kidney Infection