Alcohol is not a reliable numbing agent. It can be the ingredient that turns a lovely summer lunch into an afternoon of tears and panic. It’s disappointing really. I thought it’d be a nice way to occasionally speed time along. It’s not worth it for me though. I’m back to the drawing board.
So far I’ve tried smoking (disastrous- made me want to barf), dieting/eating healthy (pretty good- makes me feel proactive to eat well), drinking (big disappointment), traveling (mixed- it makes the time go by fast but can be sad), exercising (works perfectly but I need more time…two or three times a week isn’t enough), and spending money like a drunken sailor (bad idea, made me panic more).
August 25th looms. I don’t know why it should even matter- it was always just an arbitrary date. It was a place holder even when we thought everything was going to turn out normal. I guess now it’s just a reminder that Tommy Jr should still be in my belly. Still. He should be in there, growing, learning to use his hands and feet, eating what I eat, and hearing me laugh. Every time I see a little boy I wonder about Tommy. I think about him as a squirmy baby keeping me up all night. I imagine him running around and scraping his knees and catching bugs and doing all the things I’ll never get to see him do. I wonder what sports he would have played and what food he would have hated. And I miss him so much it hurts. I miss my little boy, I miss our future.
I can’t imagine a time where I won’t feel so close to the edge. I don’t blame myself as much anymore, and I don’t feel overwhelmed with self-hatred very often anymore. Now it’s just gentle waves of sadness, with the occasional hurricane.
Little Tommy’s due date was a special placeholder and always will be. It’s a connection to where he would have been now, but also a connection to him having been here and being loved so very much. I am so sorry for how hard it is to pass the due date and not have him in your arms. Will you do something special that day to commemorate the day? Like releasing white balloons with notes to him, or butterflies or something that gives you an outlet on that day? Have you taken the day off? All things you might want to consider. I don’t know about you, but for me trying to allow the day to pass without marking it was impossible. I couldn’t just go on with my day as though I hadn’t been expecting a baby in my arms… Just ideas….
Those are great ideas! As you probably figured out yourself and heard about at the grieving parents meeting, there will be many more “milestones” (or “hurdles?”) to surpass: holidays, special family events, his birthday, and the date of his passing – to name a few. Although you will be sad because Tommy should be with you physically, please continue to take comfort in your angel that you never knew you’d believe in. He is with you and always will be. HUGS! Oh, and, “YES!!!!!” Keep writing!!! Stop censoring!! You are an awesome writer!
Alcohol is a little unpredictable. If only I knew which way it would go – happy & dumb or weepy & neurotic?
I have also contemplated taking up smoking again since G’s death. I love your description of spending money like a drunken sailor, definitely a short term fix that one.
You are in my thoughts as you approach Tommy Jr’s due date. x