Tom and I got back from California last night. It was a great trip but it feels good to be home. Well it felt good for a couple of hours, then I went back to panic mode. I’m so sick of worrying and panicking. It makes me tired and I suspect- fat. Or hungry anyway. I’m worried about moving, I’m worried about my job, I’m worried about my weight, I’m worried about money, I’m worried about being creative, I’m worried about bothering everyone I know because all I want to do is talk about myself and my feelings. I’m worried about how I’ll ever get to the other side of this grief. I’m worried about where my baby is.
I don’t have anything to write because I don’t know what the hell to write anymore. I’m uninspired. The choking sadness is gone…now I’m just empty most of the time. I have to just sit here and force myself to press the keys because I don’t know how else to manage myself.
I’d be 35 weeks today. Still over a month away from my due date. I realized that I’m at an age where people I don’t know could ask me if I have children. Just when I thought my social anxiety was getting manageable, I’m newly haunted by this possibility.
I’m just tired.
Yes, it’s inevitible, people will ask. It’s good for you to prepare a few responses ahead of time, depending upon how honest you want to be at the moment, considering the person who asks, and whether you want to be open with that person or shut him/her up! HUGE HUGS!!!!! Glad you had a nice trip! Did you get a real tan?
Why don’t you give your self a whole year before you try so much and so hard to ‘go on’ or not talk about yourself or not eat for comfort? You seem too hard on yourself to me. You have 3 more seasons to see yourself through this new grief. You have not yet grieved in the fall, winter, or spring. Spring will most likely be the worst. Why don’t you just give yourself permission to spend this year all-consumed, talking about yourself and your feelings and then reevaluate next summer? I think you need it and very much deserve it. Have you ever seen the movie “Death becomes her”? I felt like the character who had her whole middle blown out. I felt like I had a big black hole across my chest and was amazed no one commented on it, or even saw it. You are normal for what you are going through.
Ha that’s a great analogy. I don’t mean to be hard on myself, I’m just being honest about how I feel. The truth is I don’t think I could handle a whole year feeling like this…I know myself too well. I have to keep moving even if it hurts.