I think I’m having my period. I was supposed to be 39 weeks pregnant but instead I’m having my period. And I’m not handling it well at all. I’m starting to have this feeling that I’m watching myself all the time. It’s interesting actually, because I’ve been acting pretty insane.
For instance, yesterday I was watching television and that Duggar bitch lady came on the screen with her 19th baby. Her 19th baby who was delivered alive at 6months. Naturally I broke into racking sobs and considered cutting myself for the 12th time that day. I am frustratingly afraid of blood, so I just let the tears drip off my cheeks and nose and marveled that I was even still capable of breathing. Especially because it feels like such a waste of time and effort. It’s never ending- you finish a breath- you have to take another. It’s exhausting.
My attempts at appearing normal are getting pretty pathetic as well. While socializing I keep catching myself staring off into middle distance with a forlorn expression on my face. I try to snap out of it before anymore sees me.
I know that this week will be difficult. Up until now I was just supposed to be pregnant, after Wednesday I was supposed to be at home with a baby in my arms. The wake that a child’s death causes grows exponentially…until (I hope) it begins to recede.
Not only is your period an awful reminder of many things, it is also f’ing gross. It always grossed me out a lot more after my first mc. Hang in there, hon! Imho, those Duggars are NUTS! I see them on the cover of People this week (I think it is…) saying they’re ready for another. I have a negative reaction to them and the thought of them now.
You’re not acting insanely. You’re reacting as a normal mom would when her child’s intended birthday comes up and the child has passed away. Can you take the week off or at least the day off? Release balloons with notes for your baby, go for walks, avoid babies if you want, etc?
After losing our babies, I would get so upset when I saw large families where people seemed to have no trouble keeping pregnancies, or teens unprepared for parenthood or abusive parents/abused kids, etc, etc.The Duggars have been very, very fortunate. I remember feeling how could others have so many and I couldn’t seem to have just one. It felt acheingly cruel to have to watch that….
Birthdays or due dates will be hard, I won’t lie. We will always remember those babies born at the time ours were supposed to be and look at them and think of our own. It’s hard.
Hang in there. Keep walking through the pain and know that while there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel right now, there will be a flicker of light and that light will grow larger and larger as you pass through this very difficult time….