Regarding Tuesday’s post: I haven’t sent anything out yet. I’m scared without knowing exactly what I’m scared of. I’ll keep trying today and I hope I’ll just send what I’ve got and not agonize over it. I don’t want to intellectualize my way out of taking a step forward.
I went to a new shrink today. I thought I could handle things on my own, but things have been getting a little wild lately. So I bit the bullet and made an appointment. The new doc is a woman and was recommended by a friend who reliably “gets it”.
I was really anxious about the appointment. One minute I wanted to call and move it up, the next minute I wanted to cancel it and forget the whole thing. Somehow I made it to her office and then next thing I knew I was sitting on a different couch, facing a different doctor, clutching a box of Kleenex in my lap.
We started going through my history, but I cut it off after about ten minutes and dropped the dead baby bomb. Things sped up after that. I cried almost the entire time, and the doc cried a little too. I never expected to feel so validated and courageous and…ok. Talking with her, watching her reactions, it just made me remember that I do have perspective and I am going to get through this.
I was surprised by how much I cried. I’m so used to being able to get through the story without breaking down now. I told her parts of the story that I had forgotten, and parts that I wish I could forget. I told her that as much as I want to act out, I can’t, I’m too open. I know I can’t keep secrets from my friends and family, and I know I’d be too embarrassed to tell anyone if I really acted badly- so it’s like a built in safety device. A really god damn frustrating build in safety device. Her reaction to that was really satisfying too.
Starting a new relationship with a therapist is intimidating. you don’t want to have to spend time defending yourself and explaining yourself. I shouldn’t say “you” because I mean “I”. I want someone who trusts my level of self-awareness and gives me hope and challenges me to keep moving. And I think I found just the doc to do that.
For the first time this week I feel a little calmer. My eyes burn from crying for 60 minutes, but my heart is calm again. I’m going to see her again next week. We’ll just take it one week at a time.
So I know you don’t know who I am, but I am friends with Crissy and Kevin and have been reading your blog for a while. I am extremely proud of you for trying again with therapy. Finding a good therapist who understands you and allows you to feel human again is a wonderful thing. I had a blighted ovum a year ago and was in shock for a couple months and then just glossed over it or tried to. Luckily, I had a great therapist who got me through that and another nightmare and helped get back on my feet and move forward.
Anyway, just thought I’d drop you a line and say that I hope you are feeling a bit better after this meeting. It sounds like she gets it and I hope will be helpful in the future.
xoxo
missy
You go, girl!!!!