Well, I’m suffering from depression. I didn’t want to admit it at first. I thought: I’m not depressed, I’m just grieving. But I can’t see the point in denying it anymore. The grief is it’s own entity, it’s like having a third arm or a vestigial tail. The depression is like an illness. It makes my bones hurt, it makes my limbs heavy. I feel like the muscles in my face aren’t working right.
But I’m not afraid of the depression. I understand that it will come and go, and that I can take action to help cure it. It’s hard for people who see me everyday to understand how I could be depressed and still laugh and joke around.
I’m cheerfully depressed.
I can function, I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (even if I can’t see it). Sometimes though, I feel like I’ve used up so much energy staying straight during the day that once I get home I’m almost comatose.
I want to get back to normal, but I don’t know what normal is anymore. Maybe I can just think…I’m waiting for my new self to appear. How’s that sound?
Sounds good to me.
I like your not-afraid-of-the-depression attitude. Your new self will arrive soon, and if it doesn’t, that’s okay because eventually it will. You just continue being a wonderful person, who can joke and laugh even when depressed.
Sounds to me like your new self is definitely on the way. love,
to welcome depression is a gift because most people can or will not see it. “cheerfully depressed”… a great way to say how most of us feel who fake a lot of life. there are no words to make you feel better. there are only actions and time. rose kennedy said, “it has been said time heals all wounds. i do not agree. the wounds remain. in time, the mind protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens… but it is never gone.”
we live with our scars but it is those scars that make us who we are. you are not alone in your suffering. you are not alone. you made it this far you will continue to breathe and live with every painful breath until it isn’t so painful more. until it only hurts once in awhile. and in those moments you will know thomas jr. is with you. you will have him with you always.
You are waiting for your new normal. We all have one. Where the grief is interwoven within your “old life”. You certainly will be a new you. Much love