I was in Whole Foods this weekend and while wandering around the cheese department I heard two skinny yuppies talking about their new motherhood.
“It’s just so hard” said one “because when she was inside me she was so sweet and snuggley. Now all she does is shit and cry.”
“Oh I know” the other one said “and no one warns you might be annoyed or resentful or get sick of changing diapers. No one tells you the bad parts.”
I would have thought that I would have a bad reaction to overhearing that conversation. I would have thought I’d be angry or resentful or at least sneer at the two women. But instead I felt sympathy for them. It’s true, no one tells you the bad parts. I don’t resent them for not thinking that having a baby is the easiest, greatest most fun thing to do.
If anything, I just wish that I had a chance to feel the same things they’re feeling.
Poor little Tommy Jr. He’ll always be the perfect baby. He never had a chance to cry. He pooped once and Tom Sr and I rejoiced and called our family to report the news. One glorious poop. He thought it was hilarious to pee on his nurses when they undid his diaper. We all thought it was hilarious really. I got to help change his diaper twice, I couldn’t even do it on my own.
But he was gone before he could challenge our patience, or doubt our ability to be good parents. We’ll have other children, I know that. But those moments we had with Tommy Jr will be so different then when we experience them with our other children. I think they’ll be joyful tinged with sadness. I hope I don’t judge myself too harshly when I get frustrated by my next baby or all the life changes that accompany a living child.
Those moments may be bittersweet, but honestly, and I know this is presumptuous of me not knowing you, but don’t you think it will give you a heightened sense of gratitude? Gratitude in that you DO have the opportunity to have these experiences with your child (children). The good, the bad, the in-between. I feel like the the loss you’ve experienced can only fortify your ability to deal with these mundane or often “annoying” necessities when caring completely and totally for another life that wholly depends on you. And it will probably serve to magnify your patience. And if it doesn’t for some reason, what you mentioned is on the right path. You shouldn’t judge anything. Especially yourself. Just be aware of your feelings and that they are fleeting. They are not permanent. Just like that which you will pour all over your children, you should pour all over yourself – Love. In any form, this is the most amazing gift.
I love this post. When I read the first few lines I also thought your reaction would be different.
I am very glad that it wasn’t.
xoxoxoxooxooxoxxooxxo
We said that about our boy too – that he will always be the perfect baby. Because he never cried, he never pooped in a nappy as soon as we changed it, he never screamed or demanded anything. He came into and left the world silently.
When you do have a little sibling for Tommy Jr, remember to be gentle with yourself. There is actually a far higher rate of PPD in bereaved mothers. You WILL get frustrated with your child, the worst part is that you will feel intensely guilty about it and think “I shouldnt be feeling this way, I should be grateful for every minute” which just makes things worse.
Sorry for that rambling comment. A friend of mine who lost two babies now has a living baby and is suffering from some depression. Its made worse by other bereaved mothers telling her she should be happy because now she has what she wanted, why isn’t she happy? She’s been on my mind a lot and your last paragraph just stirred up my feelings….
Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.
I love my Little so fiercely, perhaps in part because of my loss. I DO realise how precious his life is. HOWEVER, I definitely still get frustrated and cranky!
Sorry to ramble. Again. It seems to be becoming a habit.
I sent you a letter a couple of months ago. My husband and I are friends of your brother-in-law Bob. I read this post and I wanted to let you know you kick ass. After my loss I was and still am a strong person, but if I were to hear what those mothers said, they would of not only got a dirty look from me, but I would of most likely found a way to let them know about my Baby Angel Coletta.
Keep Strong,
Melissa DiCello
Heather – you are GREAT!!! Susan – I love what you wrote. Especially the last sentences: Just like that which you will pour all over your children, you should pour all over yourself – Love. In any form, this is the most amazing gift.