Thanksgiving was fun. Although I missed being with my brother and sister in law, I enjoyed spending time with the rest of my family. I felt good, happy, light, relaxed. I drank too much, I read too much, I napped too much. Tom and I got out of town for a couple nights by ourselves, and we had such a good time being together. I’ll never stop marveling at how easy our marriage is. I don’t know how we ever choose each other, but I’m so thankful we did. He says all time time “Aren’t we so lucky?” and I smile back and nod. I don’t believe in luck though, I don’t even really believe in prayers. I don’t believe I have the power to intervene or alter the future. But I’m grateful to have some one beside me who can face the future, and pick up the pieces of the past.
I’m back at my desk. It’s Sunday night and the clock is racing forward. Somehow I’m living the same life I did before. Only this time I’m curled up inside myself, hiding from the people around me, scared someone is going to really want to talk to me. Because now the pills keep me buttoned up, but when those buttons pop off…it feels like I’ll never get back in control.
I want to give up the pills and just let myself out, but I’m afraid. I can’t write when I’m taking them, I can’t laugh as quickly. It’s like the exchange for being even tempered is to give up the only things I liked about myself.
