Lonely Mommy – Friday December 24th

As you may have already guessed, it is impossible to skip Christmas. It was hard making the decision to leave town, even though we had our families’ blessing. Everyone’s understanding, intellectual side supported us, but I think all of our hearts ached at what we were missing. I think it was impossible for us all not to think about what this Christmas could have been like.


It’s cold and dark in Chicago. We live in a new apartment with all of Tommy Jr’s things tucked away. We have a completely new routine with Tom G in school. Our baby seems so far away. Sometimes I find myself laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling thinking about Sylvia Plath putting her head in the oven or something equally macabre. I’ll wonder why I’m so painfully depressed. I will actually forget that my heart was crushed, smooshed, maimed, torn apart but the death of my son. Even now it’s just held together by Scotch tape and Elmer’s Glue. It looks like shit.


Tom’s sweet laughter and magnificent mustache kept my spirits high for the better part of the day. But in the evening I missed my mom’s call and when I tried to call her back she didn’t answer. My family was already at my cousin’s warm house, full of my relatives and laughter and cookies. I couldn’t bare the thought of what I was missing. Of what we had missed as a family. I feel oppressed by the emptiness of my arms. The quiet of our apartment is deafening. This isn’t the life I thought I’d have, and Christmas is a stark reminder of our childless life.


It took me all day to cry. When the tears finally came I was relieved. I need to be able to cry just because I miss Tommy, and because I’m so disappointed, and because I’m so lonely. Living without my son mean accepting a life that it inherently, irreparably lonely, even when I’m surrounded by friends and loved ones and dear Tom G.


Dearest Tommy Jr,


I hope you are living on another plane of existence, surrounded by fun presents and cool Christmas lights and a big tree and lots of yummy baby treats. I pray that you can’t feel my heartache, but that you get to be a happy, light-hearted boy. I miss you so much it feels like I’m full of cement or sawdust or wood chips. I feel like I’ll never be whole without you my love. You are my heart, my little ghost, my Christmas, my everything. I’m sorry we’re not together. I wish I was laughing with you and dressing you up in funny outfits. But I think about you all day long, and I think about the time we had together. You always will be my boy.


I love you so much baby.



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  1. Bluestreak says:

    My mom and I thought about you, and little Tommy. And big Tommy too. We too realized how great it would be if Tommy Jr. were here with us. I miss him too. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about him and the two of you. I love you both very much.



  2. rayme says:

    Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. You are in our hearts and feelings. Sending MUCH love,
    Rayme and Stephen

  3. Leslie Ann says:

    Lots of us are with you…with loving thoughts and prayers.

  4. Kathy Miller says:

    My love to you dear Heather. Little Tommy is undoubtedly with your grandpa Tom and happy in heaven this season with baby Jesus. God bless you and I pray for your heart. xoxox

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