I think I generate a lot of emotion for one smallish person. I mean I’m denser right now than I have been in the past- despite inconsistent efforts I still haven’t lost all my baby weight. I don’t even thing it still qualifies as baby weight, it’s more like emotional padding. The point is sometimes, most times, I feel like I’m buzzing and crackling with emotion. I was sitting in my apartment today worrying that I wouldn’t be able to keep myself affixed to the couch- like any moment I’d be lifted up into the air by the ferocity of my own angst.
Was I always like this? I never know anymore. I can’t find where the grief ends and I begin. I think I write a variation of this concern about once a week.
The pain goes in waves, but when it’s present it’s physical. I can’t imagine someone sitting with me not noticing it, or smelling it, or hearing a buzz or something. When the pain passes the relief is palpable. Every emotion hits me like I’m becoming self-aware for the first time in my species’ evolutionary history. I can’t believe anyone has ever felt like this before. But I know that I’m not the first, and I’m not the last, and this isn’t the worst, and that it’s not really going to end, and it’s not going to kill me. But it does nibble at me. It’s a school of well-fed piranhas just checking what’s floating in their river.
I made it through the weekend. It was a little challenging- I locked my keys in the car Friday night during rush-hour while I went to pick up Ramona from daycare. AAA came in juuuust under two hours. But the rest of the weekend was a mixture of fun and tolerable. Tom came home late Sunday night and we saw a new doctor Monday. I don’t know what to do, every doctor I’ve seen seems competent and kind-hearted. So did my last doctor. But I need to know how these people perform in emergencies, because that’s what we’re worried about. And it’s impossible to know if they’ll be patient when I’m freaking out, if they’ll listen to me when I’m crying, or if they’ll trust me to know my own body.
I guess I’m feeling frustrated all around. The good news is that I made it to the 6:30 am Yoga class today, then ran for 40 minutes after. At least I have that time to turn my brain off. At least I have Tom G back!
Glad your Light is back! The exercise is good for you (I should try it myself!)…keep up the good work! I wish I were closer to you to absorb some of the crackling and buzzing – I do what I can as your blog-stalker friend. HUGS!!!!!!!!!
I’m so grateful for you, being blog-stalked makes me happy!
I found the doctor I love by asking parents who had experienced infant loss which doctors they loved. I asked at the support group I attended in person. It helped immensely.
I chose one that a facilitator recommended based on her experiences, and I couldn’t have been more fortunate!!!! She was everything that I had hoped for while attempting conception and striving for a healthy, full-term pregnancy. Kept her for all 3 of my subsequent healthy pregnancies!! I was terrified, too, after having 2 miscarriages…..
Consider going back to that support group even just to ask for recommendations of who was appreciated, etc….
Marilyn, what a wonderful idea. Thank you. I will go back, I swear! It’s in the calendar for February!
Dearest Heather,
I just want you to know that I think about you and Tom and Tom Jr a lot. I wish I had something smart and comforting and brilliant to pass on, but I don’t right at this moment. I’m proud to know you and experience a piece of your path, and I look up to you as a courageous woman, mother and friend. Please know your spirit reaches far and beyond- thank you for your honesty and grit. Love from Seattle, Kathleen
Thank you for your kind words Kathleen. I think about you and your family often as well. I’m glad to know you.
Beautifully said, Kathleen.