I started doing my taxes this morning.
Personal info: Did you have a baby is 2010? Yes.
About your dependents: To qualify as a dependent a person must meet all six requirements, one of which is: Has the person lived in your home for at least six months?
No, my dependent only lived six days. He never came home with us. I would give everything- my sight, my hearing, my arms and legs, my own life- to have had him living in my home for six months. I would give everything to have just one day with him at home- no machines, no wires, just Tom G, me, and our son.
But that’s not what we had. And what we had was precious still. I’m crying and my heart hurts and I’m scared and I’m crumpled up and crushed, but I’m not mad. Life is painful and beautiful at the exact same time.
One of the most relevant passages I ever read on loss: “When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time- the way the mail stops coming…Just when the day comes- when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone forever- there comes another day and another specifically missing part.” Sometimes it may feel brand new, because in it’s own way it is, you know, feeling it in that particular way….I don’t know, I just wanted to share that…thinking of you dear, I’m sorry that your heart is hurting. (The quote is John Irving)
Dang Jan, that is exactly exact perfect right. And I love John Irving. And you.
I just heard Blackbird on my Sirius radio and thought I hadn’t checked in on Poor Lucky me in some time to see how my you and Tom are coping. I am sorry for that tax form making you feel so crappy today and I am not nearly as prolific as John Irving or you–however you are eternally in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a strong woman–I could not be coping nearly as well as you have over such an immense loss. I know that you and Tommy Sr. will eventually be able to gain back some sense of normalcy–however because you can never forget the impact Tommy Jr. had on your lives and others–there will always be good days and bad–unfortunately. I know that far out little dude is pulling for you from up above. You are a great mom!
You Are A Special Mom!!! Oh, and GREAT quote from John Irving!!! I’m gonna share that with someone else!!!