More Words Forming Sentences – Monday January 24th

I am depressed. I’ve been trying to hide it, or push it down, but it’s just there. It’s sitting on my chest and squeezing all the good out of me. I’m not interested in anything anymore. All my energy is spent on getting out of bed, showering, and acting normal. I think if I can just keep acting normal soon I’ll feel normal. But it’s not working so far. I’m so depressed my bones hurt.

I’m doing everything I can think of and following as much advice as possible: running, yoga, shrink, Chinese herbs, support group, connecting with other baby-loss moms, trying to socialize with my friends. It’s not working. I’m just stuck feeling like a faker.

But I was thinking today that I might be approaching this from the wrong angle. It’s actually more likely that my depression is like the Federal budget. My grief for Tommy Jr is like defense spending, which isn’t accounted for when calculating the deficit. So military spending might be gigantic, but it’s separate and really alongside the rest of the federal budget. The two items seem to have the same priority level, taking into account historical ebbs and flows. They are separate, but they have similar characteristics.

I guess I’m taking the scenic drive to explain that I’m just god damn depressed, and I also really god damn miss my baby. So maybe I can work on just the regular depression, and not focus on the insurmountable grief of losing my baby. I’m pretty sure that I need some exposure to sunlight, more exercise, forced socialization, and forced volunteering. I say “forced” only because I’m so depressed I have to force myself to do most things. I remember now, just today I really realized, that I was like this before too. I was depressed in high school, in college, after college well into my 20′s. Then I decided I had had enough, and I started saying yes to people’s invitations. I started letting myself be busy, and not allowing myself to mourn my relationship with my couch. I wrote thank you notes. I initiated plans. I showed up.

I don’t mean to make this another weepy, uplifting post. I just have been stunned by the enormity of my depression, and I have to spend a lot of mental energy keeping it intellectual. Once you let these things enter the pit of your stomach- you’re done for. You’re left quivering under dirty sheets for weeks on end, terrified every time your cell phone rings. In your brain, you can remember that depression is just another part of the human condition and it’s nothing to fear- it’ll pass. So that’s how I realized that the depression is multi-facited, and was relieved to recognized one of the pieces.

Alright then. I’m going to start small, but I’m going to get back into my normal life suit. I know that my grief is not going to be affected by the current administration.