When I got home last night I looked through Christmas cards that I didn’t have the guts to open before. We got such sweet, dear messages of hope and love from so many people. I was really touched and let myself cry for the first time in days. Tom joined me on the couch and we just cried for a while. But he was wearing a light blue shirt and I didn’t want to ruin another one of his shirts with my mascara. So I leaned back and let the tears run off the sides of my face, instead of mashing my whole head against Tom’s sweater.
It made me start thinking (and stop crying) about how I’m wasting an opportunity. I could channel my pointless crying into serious practice: I could become a weeper! If I practiced free-throws as much as I cry, I’d probably be at like 87% by now and becoming a lovely crier is much more useful then free-throws. Especially because I’m not on a basketball team or anything.
My pretty weeping training will be demanding. I will master the art of having tears come slowly out from the centers of my eyelids. I’ll learn to dab gently at the corners of my eyes to keep my make-up intact. No more coughing and wiping snot on my sleeves. I’ll grow my neck longer, so I can turn away dramatically from the witnesses of my lovely crying. I’d silently plead for comfort with my wide eyes swimming in tears, then show my strength and resolve by whipping around my swan-like neck and gracefully dabbing at my eyes.
This is very exciting. I’m really looking forward to showing off my talents and the next movie/theater/awards show where I will be admired and pitied by my peers for my lovely weeping. I’ll be so skilled they’ll think I was born this way, and I’ll blow their minds by telling them I learned how to do it. Maybe I’ll offer classes. Soon pretty crying will be like bikini waxes: girls will always wonder if doing it will some how improve their life. The answer of course is no, but this way they have an alternative to pouring hot wax on their genitals.
I’ve been thinking about your “pretty weeping” classes, and I think you’re being a little short sighted. There is definitely a franchise opportunity here. While your pretty weeping would be quickly embraced by west coast actresses, east coast debutantes, southern belles, and pageant contestants, you’d be selling yourself short if you didn’t expand your weeping with a global perspective in mind.
For instance, it is my understanding that in vast areas of the Middle East it is common for families to hire professional mourners for a funeral. While different from your concept of pretty weeping, I’m sure a committed expert like yourself could perfect the “eastern wail”, then bring your experience to others, thus internationalizing your efforts.
Weeping outreach. I’m tearing up already.
Ed! Brilliant!! A multi-national, muti-cultural organization for all your weeping needs…
you may want to rethink your new venture! http://theweek.com/article/index/210901/why-womens-tears-are-a-sexual-turnoff