Step, Step, Step – Monday January 10th

I’m writing this at my desk, with a belly button packed full of white mustard seed, lotus leaf, and cinnamon twig made into a paste with red wine vinegar. The concoction is held in place by a cross of band-aids. It stinks. But it makes me relieved too. Apparently I’m still determined to heal, physically and mentally. I thought recently that I might just give up and give in, but today’s appointment reminded me that I still want to try.

I went back to the Chinese Herbalist, Dr Guo. I might not have a lot of faith in religion, but I have all the faith in the world in Dr. Guo. I originally went to see him a few years ago because I was having painful and severe digestive problems. I had undergone multiple tests at the hospital and was left with no answer. My insurance company, however, was billed $10,000 for some inconclusive bullsh*t and about 20 cans of strawberry flavored barium.

I went to see Dr. Guo, paid $350 for a visit and a month supply of herbs, and I was digesting pain free and pooping like a baby in three days. I immediately adopted a scornful attitude toward Western medicine and had to be careful not to outwardly sneer at people who referenced their “doctor”. In fact, although my psychiatrist is trained in the Western tradition, she let it slip early on that she also goes to Dr. Gou. That happy coincidence convinced me to stick around and work on my mental health. At least for a little while. My faith in Dr. Guo extends to his patients.

My last appointment with Herb Master Guo was in September of 2009. Tommy Jr was just a sparkle in his Dad’s eye. I was complaining of allergies and sleeplessness. When I got pregnant a few months later, I let my gynecologist’s confident attitude lull me into complacency. Without thinking and despite my instincts, I signed up for a 100% Western pregnancy.

I know it doesn’t seem likely that things would have gone differently if I had been under the additional care of Dr. Guo. It also doesn’t seem likely to me when religious people try to explain their beliefs to me. I know in my heart the Guo could have helped me, just like some people know in their heart that god has helped them in their lives. I’m not saying Guo is God, just that I cannot be convinced that this man is anything other than the best doctor I’ve ever known. I don’t know if my son would be alive today if I had been seeing Guo, I just know things would have been different, more organic, less horrifying.

At our appointment today he looked sad, he said softly, almost under his breath, “Sorry” one time. He didn’t tell me I’d have such an easy pregnancy next time, or that he could be able to intervene. He just said that he could help me get healthy, and that as a healthy person I’d have a healthier pregnancy. He told me, in his own way, that he would be on my side next time. Out of respect for the Herb Master, I waited to cry until I got to the car.

I was so afraid to go back to Dr. Guo. I was scared that he’d say I made a mistake, that it was my fault. It’s like he was the last person in my life who I had to confront with my story, and brace myself for whatever unspoken judgements they might have. I know that my own projection, but it accounts for a lot of my anxiety and isolation. Dr. Guo rewarded me for my faith in him; he told me he’d be there for me.

He also told me I was retaining a lot of water, which is probably why I didn’t feel like I was losing weight. That’s what the belly-button pack is for. Few things make you feel as proactive as mixing a noxious paste and bandaging it to your navel.

Oh! Also- for the curious- I’m still running. I had little set back last week, but burned up 3 miles today.