This unseasonal balminess makes me feel unsettled. My moods spin recklessly about every 90 minutes. Walking home yesterday I couldn’t stop scowling and wondering if I got hit by a car and died would Tom or my parents read my old diaries? Because that would be embarrassing…so I obsessed about it.
At home Ramona moaned and sobbed when I walked through the door. She pretended that she had been locked in a prisoner of war camp since I had left that morning- without food or water or a king sized bed to sleep on. Our walked brightened my mood a little, my brain slowed down enough for me to complete a thought.
I do feel better, closer to a normal person now. This emotional pain feel just like physical pain. I’ve had a few whoppers- appendectomy, all four impacted wisdom teeth pulled and subsequent dry sockets- the only difference is the emotional pain lingers longer and you can recall it faster. I can only recall the concept that my appendicitis hurt, I can’t actually access a physical memory. But my broken heart…it pulses and spurts pain. Sometimes I think it’s weird that I’m not covered with the guts and gore of my broken heart.
Everyone kept telling me that I’d find a new normal, and I think this is it. Cycles of crushing pain and hopelessness followed by contentment, happiness, access to hope and joy. It’s manageable now that I know what I’m dealing with.
We’re going to get pregnant soon. Weight Watchers gave me the final push of courage. I get sad anticipating how different this one will be, but it will be joyful in ways I don’t understand yet. I think I’m going to tell people right away when it happens- I know it’ll sooth a lot of my loved ones to know I’m still in the game.
Ok son, please pick out your sibling and get him or her ready to come down here.
Amazing!