After some careful research and note taking, I have reached the disturbing conclusion that my post-tragedy menstrual cycle is 45 days long. As far as I can tell that’s the same length of the Blue Whale’s menstrual cycle. Maybe my body is trying to mimic the body of a giant mammal in order to ensure a longer gestational period. Maybe my next baby will be in there for 18 months, like I assume a Blue Whale makes a baby.
But it’s disappointing news, because I can’t get pregnant IMMEDIATELY, which is now what I want. I mean now as in this moment that I’m writing this. Later today I might feel hugely relieved that I’ve only got a shot at getting pregnant every six weeks. My moodiness knows no boundaries.
And so we wait. I feel like we’ve been waiting forever. Or that all we do it wait. Sometimes I’ll be lying on the couch, feeling like I’m waiting, but really I’m just watching TV.
The changes that I thought were temporary are becoming permanent. I’m just not the same person anymore. Some one pointed out to me today that I never dance anymore. I’m not thoughtful- I never remember anyone’s birthday. I’m not funny or hopeful. I’m jealous of other girls, of other families. That jealousy makes me hate myself- it’s like a terrible ugly mole right in the middle of my face that cannot be removed even by the best doctors. Nothing is pure anymore, everything is tainted with sadness or at least wistfulness. That’s an awful legacy for my son, but I don’t know how to change it.
My mom said that you can’t take the risk out of living. But how to you get back to the place where the risk didn’t paralyze you with fear?
Oh, love! There is still pure – I promise! Tommy is pure. Your next baby or babies will be pure. It seems like the love you have with Tom is pure. Spring is coming and flowers are starting to sprout, bulbs are starting to pop out of the ground, trees are budding – wonderful, beautiful, pure nature and lots of it is coming your way soon!!! About the long cycle – the tricky thing about having such a long cycle is to know when you ovulate. Now you get to have even more fun (NOT!) with taking temperatures, charting, or peeing on a stick every morning if you get one of those ovulation predictor gadgets (I have several friends who have used them with great success). HUGE HUGS!!!! Your mom is right. And, I say, eventually the risk will not paralyze you with fear. Hang in there, hon! Go buy some more pajamas! I saw some that look exactly like jeans (and I thought of you!). LA