Twenty Five Cent Increments of Drama- Tuesday March 8

Why am I required to fill out so many forms at the doctor’s office? The rest of my life takes place in the current year, 2011- where a website is utilized for almost every task or event in life. I barely know how to use a pen and paper anymore. Then I arrive at the doctor’s office and it’s like 1997 and I’m writing my god damn address on three different forms.


Last year I had to go to three different doctors, all within the same hospital system and at each office I had to write my date of birth over and over and over again. It worries me that a doctor’s office can’t streamline their operation down to one birthday request. Meanwhile I’ve got two Starbucks in my neighborhood where I never even have to say my order. What does the Starbucks know that my doctor’s office doesn’t?


I called my EX doctor today and only had to wait on hold for thirty minutes before being told that they could only print my medical records on THURSDAY and that it would cost TWENTY DOLLARS. Either they’ve got the technological savvy of a troop of chimps, or they’re trying to nickel and dime me over six pages of paper. So I asked the woman on the phone if they were working off an Apple IIe.


“What” she quipped.


I explained: “I just mean what the hell kind of equipment are you running on that only works once a week and requires $20 to print off a few pages? Because I happen to know you could get a brand new computer that works every day of the week for like $90.”


“So do you want to mail the check or drop it off when you pick up the records?” said my clever opponent.
“I’ll drop it off Friday” I said, defeated. It’s not enough that this particular doctor’s office seemed to take every opportunity to humiliate me, ignore me, and treat me like a hysterical yuppie. They have to further enrage me by making it difficult to obtain my own medical records. And as usual, I have no recourse.


Except quarters. I’m bringing those a-holes a bag full of quarters. I’m going to say “Enjoy your twenty dollars, suckers.”

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  1. tina says:

    bring them a bag of pennies. what a buncha dicks

  2. Mel says:

    i paid $30 to have my doc send me mine and be done with them. it will be $20 well spent heather.

  3. Sarah says:

    Ugh. They need to stop referring to themselves as “modern” medicine. Do they realize that there are pizza places out there that know my incoming phone number, last order, and address???

  4. Marilyn says:

    on to wiser & better docs….

    Fear isn’t paralyzing you, sweetie. You’re moving forward in spite of the fear! It’s already stopped paralyzing you. The definition of bravery is moving forward in spite of the fear; it’s not the absence of fear, and you’re doing that!!!! leaps & bounds, girl, you’re doing it…. You’re taking the steps you are because of your immense love and knowledge that you have even more love to give without running dry.

  5. Leslie Ann says:

    Quarters – LOVE IT!!!!! Maybe pennies would be better, though? There would be more coins, more hassle, and somehow pennies always seem dirtier, too. Let them deal with dirty, yucky change. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Whiskey says:

    If you want, I will poo in their office.

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