Every week I’m newly stunned at how much time has passed since Tommy Jr died. Whole chunks are missing- months have passed unaccounted for. I remember August and December because we had great travel adventures. The rest is a blur.
If it wasn’t for how easily I can laugh now, I would think that everything had happened two weeks ago. I do remember how long it took me to feel like I had my own skin on again, and how rattled I was when people expected me to act normal again when I was so far from feeling like myself. And I remember accepting that I had to find a different normal, and accepting that most people just could not understand the pain that weighed on my heart…even when I was able to smile and laugh again.
I still want to tell people all the time that I am a mother, that I have a son…but I don’t want to burden people with the story. Like when people who know me through work say, “Weren’t you pregnant last time I saw you” I usually just say “Yes, but it’s a sad story.” I’m not afraid of talking about it, I just feel bad. It’s like I’m forcing people to bite off more than they can chew. My heart, though, is a mother’s heart.
This is turning out to be a sadder post than I intended. I just wanted to say that my trying to try has paid off. I’m less scared about the future, I’m more hopeful. And I realized that part of being an adult is suffering and not losing sight of the wonder and joy of life. Tragedy does not cancel out happiness. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would have a beautiful baby die and that I would survive, I wouldn’t have believe it was possible. I wouldn’t have believed that any of it was possible. But here I am. It’s spring again, Tom and I are alive, our hearts can ache but it won’t stop us from laughing.
“part of being an adult is suffering and not losing sight of the wonder and joy of life”. Amen. beautiful post from one of the most insightful, beautiful moms I know. xoxo
Beautiful post, Mom.
Hi, stopping by from ICLW. I’m very sorry for your loss. I too delivered my son at 25 weeks due to premature labor. He weighed 2 lbs 4 oz. Unfortunately, he suffered a massive brain hemhorrage 3 days later and was removed from life support. This happend last July 2010 and I barely remember the rest of that year. It was a complete blur. I still battle with the “do you have any kids” question and probably always will. Good luck to you and I hope good things come your way soon.
You are a mom. Never forget that. ICLW
Hello, just found your blog from ICLW, and read about your loss. I just wanted to say I am so sorry
In my oppinion you are still a mother hun, and always will be now. I hope you are doing ok, and thanks for sharing your story with us 
Thank you for visiting my place..I’m so sorry about the loss of your son..I can’t even imagine. The fact that you are functioning and living life is amazing..and I agree w/everyone else, you ARE a mom, nothing can change that. Your writing style is fantastic and you’ve gained a new follower.
Hi. Stopping by from ICLW. You have a very good perspective. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to stay positive after losing a child. I agree with all the ladies here, you are certainly a mother and will always be. Sending *hugs* your way.
Carmela
What a beautiful post. I’m new to your blog and naturally I read the story of your son. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been and i admire your strength and serenity. I wish you all the very best for your future, may you laugh again of joy.
Much love, Fran
Your story of the loss of your beautiful son broke my heart. Your courage and outlook are awe-inspiring. I wish for a beautiful happier future for you. God Bless.
I just read the heartbreaking story of your son. I’m so sorry for you loss! You have a wonderful blog – I’ll be following along and hoping that great things come your way.