Mother’s Day- Sunday May 8th

I thought I’d be very sad today. I expected to cry and reminisce and cry more. Instead I woke up feeling confident and secure. I am a mother, and a good one. I feel sad every day that my son is gone, but today I just felt happy to have a son. Those five days were the best five days of my life, and his death didn’t take them away.

My own wonderful, beautiful, charming, funny, dear mother threw a party today. My in-laws and relatives came to honor Mother’s Day and Tommy Jr’s birthday. We had such a fun time- our two families make a great team and there’s no shortage of laughter. My mom gave a little speech toast acknowledging all of the mothers and my boy’s birthday. It was so thoughtful and when she looked right at me I knew that she really thought of me as a mother. She wasn’t just being nice.

We talked on the phone afterwards and she laughed at herself because she had forgotten some of what she had planned to say. “I forgot the most important part,” she said “which is that you mother everyone in our family. You take care of us all.” I was so moved to hear her say that. I do feel very responsible for the emotional needs of my family. I try and keep everyone together, I carefully share or withhold information as I see fit. I don’t always make the right decisions but I try, and even when I screw it up my family appreciates my efforts. In fact it’s hard to complain about being the family caretaker when they appreciate it so much.

A few of my friends texted me Happy Mother’s Day today. I got a perfect email from another mother, saying that Tommy was looking down on me with pride and would have tried to cook me breakfast today if he could. All of my relatives and in-laws hugged me enthusiastically and said Happy Mother’s Day. There wasn’t a minute that left my heart aching today. Even when I looked at Facebook and saw page after page of people saying Happy Mother’s Day I didn’t get sad, because I felt that I was included in their wishes. I am a mother.