The Hungry Caterpiller – Thursday May 19th

When Tom G and I got to hold Tommy Jr in our arms in the NICU we read him The Hungry Caterpillar together. It was our only shot at doing parenting things with him and I’ve always dreamed of reading the classics to my children. Tom knew it would give me a little comfort to read to Tommy Jr.

I’m having a hard time writing this without crying.

The Hungry Caterpillar has become like a religious icon for me. Anytime I see it my eyes prick with tears and I have to take deep breaths. It represents the perfect sliver of family time that the three of us go to share that day. I don’t have the same reaction at the cemetery, or when I look at the pictures of Tommy (although that’s very difficult still), but that Hungry Caterpillar just tears me up. It’s weird the things that get you when you lose someone.

I wish my belly was sticking out already. I mean, it is sticking out, but that’s just because I went off of Weight Watchers and started eating like I was preparing to be the next mixed martial arts champion. Actually those MMA guys probably eat really carefully. I’m more like those people in the show “I’m addicted to food” or “The 600 Pound Woman”. In fact whenever I tell people I’m pregnant they look at my stomach, and I want to say “no no, that’s just my regular belly, not my baby belly”.

Sometimes I try to fast forward my brain to the day that I’ll get to hold and kiss and snuggle a big fat baby. I can’t really bring myself to image it.