It’s Real Time- Tuesday June 29th

I called my doctor’s office this morning and told the receptionist my name, doctor’s name, and that no one had called me yet to schedule my cerclage. I will be 14 weeks on Friday, and my whatsitcalled needs to get sewed up next week. The woman on the phone replied: “Now could you please explain what a cerclage is? I’m not familiar with that term.”

I asked to speak with a nurse.

The nurse called me back and told me I was scheduled to get the cerclage at 7 am on July 5th, and that I would have to spend the day in bed. I huffed and puffed that July 5th was not a good day for me to miss work and couldn’t we go another day and what were my options?

She told me that the cerclage would go in Tuesday July 5th.

I’m finally realizing that when you’re having pregnancy complications or are high risk you don’t get to make a lot of your own decisions. Simultaneously while being told that I’m “older now” by every person related to the medical field, I’m having my schedule arranged, being poked and prodded, having my genes tested- with no one at all interested in my input. I suppose the point is if something goes wrong, the professionals are managing the whole thing.

It’s frustrating too, because unless you’ve been through this it’s impossible to relate. When people say, “it’s really unlikely that anything will go wrong” I have to explain that if there is one chance in 300,000,000 that something could go wrong…well…that’s all you need. There only needs to be one person for one thing to go wrong, and there’s no reason that shouldn’t be me. When you already had something go wrong, when you have held your child while he dies in your arms, it no longer seems out of the realm of possibilities that you’ll be the one person.

There are possible complications that could arise from the cerclage. I could miscarry, I could develop a serious infection, the stitches could tear later in the pregnancy if I go into labor. But the scariest part about it is that now everything is real. I thought I didn’t have to start worrying until 20 weeks, but that was wishful thinking. Sometimes I think this is our only shot, because I don’t know if I can get through much more pain and fear and detached panic (I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but that’s how it feels). I’ve spend so much mental and physical energy hoping and worrying, that if something goes wrong during this pregnancy I don’t know what will be left of me.

Tragedies and joys are the loveliest and loneliest times of your life. You see who your friends are, you see who wants to understand what you’re going through. Ultimately though your life is only your journey. Even Tom G has had his own journey through this grief and subsequent joy. As my belly grows and my worries compound and multiple and intensify, I will try and remember what I already survived. I will try and keep hoping.

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  1. Marilyn says:

    I can so relate to your post!!! Before having our 3 successful pregnancies, when we went through loss, I was devastated. I never, ever saw any kinds of odds the same way as before. Once you know the devastating effect can happen to you and has, it’s hard to keep hoping and being vulnerable to the risk that is unknown. If the loss happens to us, it’s 100% of our world that’s affected, including how we see hope for the future. Your thoughts make perfect sense to me, as I shared them,too.

    I also remember reaching the point where it became undeniable that the babies were real! It was harder to stay detached and panic from almost outside of body, as though watching someone else’s life. It became so much more personal again. I also remember feeling that I had lost a piece of myself with the deep-seated grieving & aching, numbing pain we lived through, and wondering what would/could possibly be left to salvage if I went through a loss like that again. I was so afraid of fidning out!

    Yes, our husbands go through the loss, too, but differently. It’s hard for them to not be able to protect us or make everything okay. It’s hard to voice their emotions as men who are often taught to be tough and that showing emotions= weakness. It’s also harder because they aren’t always as aware as early on as women are of the little being growing because it’s not their bodies/cravings/energy levels changing. Sometimes I think they’re robbed a bit because of that…they don’t quite ‘get’ to experience the baby’s presence until we start to show or baby starts to kick.

    Rooting for you!!!

  2. Leslie Ann says:

    Detached panic. I get it. Marilyn gets it. We know and care. You’re doing all you can. I think the top of my head would’ve blown off if the woman had told me she wasn’t familiar with “cerclage.” However, good for her she never had to have one or any need to know about it. I hope she knows now, though!!!!! Have you spoken to or read info. from anyone who has had a cerclage? I can only think of one person. I can get her to contact you, if you’d like. She is a beautiful person and very caring with a good sense of humor. She finally got her miracle boy after several devastating losses. Let me know… HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Suzy says:

    It is frustrating. Whenever people give you the “but nothing will go wrong!” speech or the “theres only a 1 in a million chance anything will go wrong!!” I want to scream. I have been on the shitty end of statistics too many times for that statement to be any kind of comfort.

    Wishing you a painless and successful cerclage and an uneventful 20 further weeks of pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end of it all.

  4. Kristen says:

    This is such a lovely post. So sorry you are dealing with “detached panic” etc. Ugh.
    I have the same sorts of feelings as you…if something goes wrong (or in my case if we transfer all our embryos and I never get pregnant, or get pregnant and miscarry again, or my baby(ies) die) I don’t know what will be left of me. I’ve gone through different stuff than you have, but I just don’t know how much more I can bear, you know?
    And: “Tragedies and joys are the loveliest and loneliest times of your life.” Pure poetry. You are an amazing writer.
    Hugs to you…

  5. Leslie Ann says:

    Thinking of you and praying for you!!! xoxoox

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