One Thing- Wednesday June 8th

I’ll be 11 weeks pregnant this Friday. I look like I’m 4 months pregnant. I feel like I might not be pregnant at all, except that I’m exhausted all the time and if some one hugs me too hard I yelp from boob-pain.

I’m worried a lot, but not about the obvious stuff. I’m more worried about where we’ll live, and how I’ll ever leave this baby to go back to work, and what I’ll tell her (or him) our their big brother who will always be a tiny baby. I worry about how inadequate I’ll feel after cawing about how I AM a mother, but don’t know the first thing about how to take care of a baby. I know how to do the three step hand washing system to handle a baby in the NICU. I know how to pump for breast milk for a child who will never be able to eat. I know how to hold a dying infant in my arms and enjoy the few precious moments we had together.

But I don’t know how to mother a fat pink wailing newborn.

When I get too worried, I think about how I never thought I’d make it this far yet here I am. There were many times over the last year where I thought there’s no way I’ll ever be able to be pregnant again, no way that I’ll even get out of bed today.

Somehow I got out of bed everyday though. I smiled when I felt like lying on the ground and giving up, I made people laugh when I felt hollow and sick. And I never thought I’d be able to do that. I think in the beginning I read some books about grief, so maybe I should buy a book about babies.

The problem with worrying, for me at least, is that my mind races around like a pinball machine. I can never seem to slow it down for a moment and just deal with one thing at a time. I make a lot of lists and plans, but in the end I usually find myself staring at the ceiling at two in the morning and worrying. Maybe, since I’m already writing about it, I’ll go on Amazon right now and order a baby book!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...


  1. Big Sully says:

    First, you will figure it out. Nobody knows what to do with a baby and we all figure it out. Second, do get a book. Read it and then throw it out cause, again, your instincts wil be right and you’ll end up going with your gut or surveying your friends on Facebook. You’ll be an amazing mom cause most of what you need is love and support. And good boobs.

  2. Marilyn says:

    You, my sister have already lived the worst case scenario. You didn’t have instructions on how to get through that, and look at you now; how well you did at all those things– the three steps for holding a baby in NICU, pumping breastmilk and holding a dying newborn living in just the moment…. It may have felt as though you didn’t handle it in a way that you yourself might describe as handling it well, but you handled it as well as anyone could. There was no instruction book or book of preparation for that, was there?
    I was nervous about all of those same things. I had dreams where I took the baby home and WEEKS later realized I had forgotten about batheing the baby!!!!!!!!
    Preganancy books are great. A WONDERFUL baby book/dvd that really, really helped dh and me was called “Happiest Baby on the Block.” Talks about 5 strategies for calming a baby and figuring out what they need. Another great one is the “Baby Whisperer”. Relied totally on those two books to prep for baby. If you are planning to breastfeed, a book called “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” is a fabulous resource!
    You have time to prepare. Pace yourself and know that in the beginning, the baby really only needs your love, nutrition, a few clothes/diapers, and lots of time to eat & sleep. You can do this! Something else that I absolutely loved during newborn days was the “Cuddly Wrap” which gave me a great way to hold/wear the baby while I did everyday things. Very calming for baby.
    Yes, you will worry. Maybe a bit moreso than someone who has never lost a child, BUT that will also help you foresee potential problems/concerns sooner & prevent much.
    As for explaining about big brother… you will figure that out. Right now, that is your concern and not your baby’s. All your baby wants and needs is you & your love.
    hang in there!

  3. Sue says:

    Ditto on everything Marilyn said :) Pragmatic advise: Get a medicine ball. Like the big ones they have at a gym. When said baby cries, you swaddle, you shhhhh in the ear and you bounce. A pinky soft side up on the roof of the mouth while doing steps one through 3 works well too. I’ll remind you as the time nears. You are pure love. Your baby will feel you and know you and everything else will come after and naturally.

  4. Leslie Ann says:

    The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and the other books mentioned are good. You’ll have plenty of loving friends to ask for advice. You love to read…so read away!!! And take it all with a grain of salt!!! I think my ob/gyn gave me a big, heavy hardback about baby’s first year. That book, I think, has now been expanded into baby’s first two years. I read the entire book while pg., and it helped me feel better prepared; plus I referred back to it sometimes. I’d never really changed a diaper before Abigail was born. I had the nurse come show me/us how to bathe a newborn. (I did feel a little less nervous since my husband had 3 children already and does Mr. Mom very well!!) You will do very well because you take it seriously, but not always too seriously. xoxo

  5. Nurse says:

    Sweet Heather, I have been looking for your address to send you a book so it is uncanny that you are looking for books to read. A good one is: “Nurturing the Unborn Child” by Thomas Verny. There are exersizes in this book that help you live in the moment and connect with this baby right now, and may help with the worry you are feeling about after the birth. You are such an amazing mother. I have no doubt you will find the perfect way to weave your son’s story and your next child’s life together with the grace and beauty you manage every day. Much love to you.

  6. Cathleen says:

    I am 13 weeks tomorrow and I also look so much bigger this time than last. I was really in denial that I would show so soon since I only made it to 25 weeks last time but I guess it doesn’t matter. Strangely enough, I’m not as nervous as I thought I would be. I hope I’m not jinxing myself but in the end, what will be will be and hopefully this is our time to take home a baby. Only time will tell. I checked out some really good vidoes from my public library on taking care of baby. Quick, short and to the point.

Speak Your Mind