That’s Much Better- Thursday June 2nd

There we go, all fresh and new. It’s a strangely huge relief to look at a different layout when I read my own blog. I feel like I took a huge leap forward, like I shed that last bit of smelly snake skin.

Since I haven’t been writing for the past week, I read like I was smoking crack. I also felt inspired after watching a friend performed in Mortified: a show that invites people to tell their life stories through their childhood journals, art, and music. I have an impressive collection of diaries hidden in my apartment so I dragged them out and started reading. I was sure that they’d be so charming and naive and cute. Instead I thought they were mostly depressing. I mean I haven’t made it through the whole stack yet…but there is a distinct pattern to my private writing. Taking it out in the open on this blog has been a strange experience. I still squirm a little when people bring it up in public although I’m delighted that they read it. I get embarrassed by my lurching emotions, but am grateful that people relate to it and are supportive. In many ways my on-line life feels much more genuine than my actual life (I certainly not the first chubby depressive to feel that way).

Real life requires so many emotional compromises, so many tight lipped smiles and hallow laughs. I can’t always spill everything here, I don’t have the guts. But this forum let’s me be unapologetically self-indulgent, and somehow that brings a lot of people closer to me.

My blog facelift makes me feel new and hopeful. It helps me feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. It’s been over a year since I lost my child. A new little life is forming in my belly, which gets rounder from my anxiety eating than the progression of my pregnancy. I still have to add my biography and Monday I’ll publish a weekly advice question. This is more like trying on a new outfit. As soon as I get it home, I’ll cut the tags off and parade around my apartment in front of my dog.

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  1. Suzy says:

    congrats on the facelift :)
    I need to do something with mine too…it feels stale. You may have given me the kick in the ass I need in order to get moving on it though, so thankyou!

    ps Let me know what your dog thinks of your new look – I know I’m no canine but I think it’s pretty great :)

  2. Kristen says:

    Like your new blog design and so glad it’s making you happy. :)

  3. Leslie Ann says:

    Missed you!!!!!!! Worried about you!!!!! But LOVE the new look! These are pretty close to the colors I want to decorate with in my remodeled kitchen (hopefully some time in 2012???). xoxooxox Be as real as you can be, sister!!!

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