A Little Angst Never Hurt Anyone – Friday July 15th

Last weekend I started trying to put old blog posts into a document- I wanted it to be laid out like a novel. Well, the truth is I was hoping it would just turn into a novel because I changed the layout. Reading all those old blog entries made me realize something I hadn’t noticed before: this is some seriously depressing shit.

That should be obvious to the person who went through it, but my mind is sparing me the glaring details of the past. I can’t believed I survived it, but I do know how I did it. I remember the first week Tom G and I were home from the hospital. We didn’t do much besides sleep and cry. The first day I felt like a shadow, or a ghost. Tranquilizers allowed me to sleep the day away, sit in front of a cooling diner plate, then sleep all night. The second morning I woke up and clung to Tom and screamed cried. I didn’t stop crying until I had decided to live through the pain. And once I decided, I couldn’t change my mind. I don’t know exactly when I told Tom G that I had made up my mind, but I know that he believed me. Things stayed bad, then got a little better, then got bad…but I always promised TG that I would come out the other end, and he always believed me. So I just had to get better.

Someone I love so so much calls this my “stupid blog”. I laugh when he says it, because I know exactly what he means, and I often feel the same way. This is the place where I write the worst stuff way more often then the good stuff. And this is the place where all the raw ugly pain gets splashed all over everyone, including me.

When I told my sister in law and my brother about my attempt at a book, they both reminded me that I was to use this blog for inspiration. I pretended to agree at first but quickly confessed that I was probably too lazy to REALLY write a book. Maybe I could take like a creative-cut-and-pasting class at the local college? Or maybe someone else could do it?

If I were a REAL writer I would obsess about it all day every day until I finally just quit my job and burrowed into a dank room somewhere with a key board and a pack of cigarettes and a pain of fingerless gloves and just eat rare steaks and drink whiskey until I birthed the fiery novel that had been growing in my soul for three decades. But I don’t like smoking or red meat and I’m pregnant anyways so I have to spent most of my time obsessing about the baby. Maybe in a few more decades I could try the type writer thing. Or maybe I can take a more bright loft/bathrobe/hot tea approach.

I’m four months pregnant today.

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Comments

  1. Cathleen says:

    I hope you get the novel done. I have been tossing around the idea for years. I was an English Lit Minor so I guess it’s fitting. Somehow, I just don’t know how to start. Like you, I’m thankful for what I have but I think my book would be too depressing. I think I need to wait until there is a little joy in my life to give my book some differing perspectives. Who knows!

  2. Sue says:

    4 months!!! Amazing Amazing, Amazing. As for writing a book- you’ll do it someday. And it’s going to be filled with all of lifes learning. You write with such humility and accessibility- there’s so much irony in what you have to say that I personally think you’d make your readers laugh and cry all at once. That’s a huge gift. Belly rubs. xx

    • Leslie Ann says:

      Your fav-o-rite Blogstalker likes the bright loft/bathrobe/hot tea approach idea better. I believe you’ll do it…someday…and I agree with Sue, too!!!! Oh, and I will write the screenplay to make your book into a mega-hit movie!!! I have this screenplay writing software I’ve been thinking about using for years now. xoxoxo Say hello to the bump for me!!! 4 months – yippee skippee!!!!! p.s. what is your opinion on Harry Potter? Dh (Dear husband) and I saw the final movie last night – in 3D – it was REALLY good, in my opinion.

  3. Kristen says:

    Wow, four months, that is WONDERFUL!
    I love, love, love, love your writing, and I haven’t been reading your blog from the beginning but I don’t mind that you talk about depressing things. Honestly it makes me feel a little less alone in the world…I feel like I’ve been to such a dark place that not many people have been to in this life, but you have clearly been there too (and I’m sorry for that). And are still around to tell the tale. That’s inspiring.
    And the novel. It will come. I don’t know how…still trying to figure that out for myself and it’s different for everyone I think. But I really believe you have it in you to write something magnificent.
    Hugs

  4. Michelle says:

    You should totally write the book. It.Would.Be.Awesome.

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