Welcome To The Zone- Tuesday September 6th

Welcome to the high-anxiety zone! Here you will find every twinge, every hunger pang, every fart to be cause for great alarm! It is a magical place where you demand that everyone freak out as much as you are, then criticize these same people for thinking you can’t take care of yourself! Your friends and family will undoubtedly find this very charming and sweet. This is so undoubted that you might as well not bother asking anyone how neurotic and annoying you’re being, you should just assume everyone loves it!

Take this time to try and force long detailed discussions about vaginal discharge and bowel movements on such eager participants as your dad, the Fed Ex guy, and any co-worker foolish enough to dial your extension. Remember to rage on these same people if they don’t give you the exact right response. Demand that your husband take you to Homer’s for cheese fries and homemade ice cream, then whine the whole way home that you’ll probably get gestational diabetes because he’s so damn indulgent. When he suggests eating healthy, accuse him of thinking you’re fat.

The high-anxiety zone will allow you to feel completely put upon when your friends want to make plans with you, and completely left out when they stop calling. Blame the former on them not understanding what you’re going through, and the latter on them not understanding what you’re going through. If your friends have babies, act very creepy around them: insist on holding them way too long, stare into their eyes and whisper “you’re MY baby, I love you the MOST”, change their diapers and clothes when their mother isn’t looking and imply that you did it because you and the baby have a special way of communicating.

When you feel a twinge in your belly, tell everyone around you to SHUT UP while you try and figure out what it is. Further assume that no one minds that you do this, especially when on conference calls for work or in line at the Gap. When the twinge turns out to be loud and malodorous gas, expect everyone to praise you for passing it.

Know that the high-anxiety zone is finite, and that by week 30 (October 28th) it will be safe to feel more relaxed. Know that most of your friends will forgive you, and that your family is healthfully ignoring most of your antics. Be relieved that your husband’s love is so unconditional.