It’s Not Me – Friday October 21st

When I think back now about all the hugely pregnant women who worked out at my gym, I feel a lot of regret that I didn’t take action like filling their gym bags with ketchup and mustard. I wasted so many opportunities to steal their clothes while they showered and use them to clog the toilets.

Oh, did that sound a little psycho? That’s because of my new guest- the gross little troll who has moved into the back of my throat. It’s kind of like the Eddie Murphy movie “Dave” which I didn’t see but think was about a human adult being controlled in some way by little aliens or miniature people or something. I don’t know if the movie was supposed to be funny or charming, but let me assure you that the troll who has moved into my throat is neither. It’s really embarrassing too because when he says awful things it looks like I’m talking because of where he sits in my mouth. I try and clap my hands over my mouth a lot, but he’s patient. He just waits until I’m not paying attention then he’ll make some remark about how my jeans are so huge the ass looks like two denim 30 gallon buckets.

I, of course, would never say such a thing.

I can’t even continue to quote the things the troll has said, because they’re so awful. I will tell you he uses a lot of gross out humor to diffuse uncomfortable situations and likes to announce loudly how hard it is for pregnant ladies to clean up after their now-unpredictable pooping schedules.

Seriously, he’s a horrible throat troll.

He also likes to give people appropriate answers to their questions using a seriously asshole-y tone of voice. This is especially disturbing considering how sweet and helpful my family and friends have been getting me through this pregnancy. Then the throat troll butts in and makes some snarky reply to a benign question like “What do you want for dinner.” It’s really embarrassing.

I’m trying not to get too upset about the situation though, since today I’m 30 weeks pregnant! So 7 weeks from now, the throat troll can suck it, because we’ll have a fat little baby to play with.

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  1. Kelly says:

    Love it!

  2. Janalyn says:

    Congrats on 30 weeks! Your troll and my troll are going to have to get together for dinner sometime. Nasty little buggers.

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