What I’m Going to Write About – Friday October 14th

Today I am writing about things other than being pregnant. Like, I am writing about how I am concerned that I might be missing my chance to change the world by not being a wealthy, beloved celebrity who can bring attention to important issues that need to be changed.

I also don’t speak any other languages, so it’s not looking like I’ll be able to get involved in a NGO that turns out to be the group that solves a crisis in Africa.

I thought for a while that I might be able to go to graduate school and be mentored by a famous author who is teaching courses there because their home burned down (Like when Kurt Vonnegut taught creative writing at Smith College while I went to UMass) and he would tease out the kernel of creative genius that flickers wetly in my heart, hidden sometimes under all the sadness and worry and pettiness and hyperactive complaining and naps.

I am writing about those things, but also more interesting things, like what could happen in the next five years. When you carve out the last five years of your life and write them in a list it’s pretty astonishing how much happens that you survive and adjust to and enjoy and miss. So I’m writing about how maybe in the next five years, Tom and I will go on some fun trips, and live in a new place that’s all our own, and I’ll be very thin and attractive thanks to breaking my addiction to sugar. Ramona Quimby will be become an old dog in the next five years too, but I’m not writing about that.

I’m not writing about how I have a sad feeling about this pregnancy ending, which strikes me as disloyal because I expected to have an unadulterated feeling of joy and excitement that I had made it this far and am going to have a nice fat little baby. I won’t write about the futility of having expectations of your own emotions, since each one fits newly into each new experience. You can’t jam an old emotion into a new experience.

I don’t want to write about how since my heart got smashed into a million pieces it just hasn’t fit back together that well. It’s too hard to describe the way I feel like I’ve lost control of the person I used to be, and have lost sight of the person I want to be.

Instead, maybe I’ll write about how I was driving to work and the Tom Petty song “You Don’t Know How It Feels” came on the radio and I thought how one of the hardest things about human relationships is that we never know how it feels. And sometimes we wish so much that we could feel the same, if only for a few minutes, if only to take the burden away from our loved ones for a little while.

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  1. Kristen says:

    You write so, so beautifully. I love your line about your heart being smashed into pieces and not fitting back together so well…That’s totally how I feel, too. That whole paragraph, actually, really touched me.
    Thanks for sharing…

  2. Leslie Ann says:

    xoxoxo XOXOXOXOXOXO Keep warm now and cozy up with Baby Girl, Ramona Geraldine Quimby, and your wonderfuly hubby! xoxoxoxo

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