Hazel Arrives! For the Week of Tuesday, December 13th

Hazel Nicole Guillen arrived on planet earth at 8:50 am on Tuesday December 13th.  I cried a lot before the surgery, I was gripped by fear and panic and it wasn’t until I heard my own thumping heartbeat echoing through the operating room that I took deep breaths and calmed down.  Tom was brought into the OR and sat at my side.  He never stopped talking to me, saying how proud he was of my bravery and what a good mom I already was.  But it wasn’t until they pulled Hazel out and I heard that first peep of life that I cried tears of joy.  ”She’s perfect!” a nurse exclaimed, and it was the first time I relieved for the first time in a year and a half.   I watched Tom hold her while they finished the surgery and despite the pain I couldn’t stop smiling.  When I finally got to hold her, I felt like she had built an addition to my heart so big I’d need a special permit to have it.

Hazel had a lot of visitors that day.  She slept and cooed and waved her little limbs in the air.  I felt her little brother in the room with us, loving his sister and reassuring Tom and I that this wasn’t all a dream.

Wednesday, December 14th.  The day after the surgery was the most painful, but taking care of my daughter was more healing than any medicine.  I got out of bed for her, I stood up for her, I walked for her.  She and I both passed our blood sugar tests and we started trying to breast feed.  I knew that breast feeding would be can challenge, but you really don’t know what that means until you’re trying to stuff a giant breast into the mouth of a tiny wailing infant.  My sister-in-law and best friend were there keeping me company while Tom ran some errands, and we all sat mutely horrified as the nurse helping me looked like she was choking Hazel with my boob.  Hazel impressed us with her protests, and the nurse gave up long before I did.  ”Try and calm her down, then push her head against your nipple” she called over her shoulder as she walked out of the room.  When I called her later to help me try again she gave me a really helpful response:

“You know what I suggest?”  she said “You should try it yourself”.  Motherhood and my daze of happiness doesn’t not seem to have affected my ability to make sarcastic comments.

Thursday, December 15th:  Tom left early in the morning to take a law school final.  I assured him that Hazel and I would be fine, and that I would take my pain medication and call the nurses for help whenever I needed it.    We both forgot that while I am pretty assertive in my real life, in the presence of a medical professional I turn into a wilted flower of passivity.  So despite the obvious lack of logic in my thought process, I decided to try and spend the morning taking care of the baby and ignoring the effects of my major abdominal surgery.  Hazel and I had a crying contest that only ended when some visitors stopped by and we agreed to act like we could totally manage without Daddy.  Hazel’s acting skills are much better than mine.

Tom came back in great spirits after his test and went to get us a special meal of spaghetti and meatballs.  We felt like a real family.  When Tom got devastating news about the health of a beloved Uncle, we learned that the loving energy of a baby can sooth a broken heart and tamp down the panic of being far away from a loved one.

Friday, December 16th:  My original personality continued to peak through the sleepy bliss of caring for an infant.  We spent the day making jokes about how our stay at Prentice was a lot like staying at a nice hotel where the staff just quit their jobs as assembly line workers and decided to become nurses.  We used humor to mask our annoyance and surprise at how different the level of care was this time compared to when we had Tommy.  We thought that the attention and love we felt on the Sad Mom floor (they put moms who aren’t with their babies on a special floor at Prentice so you don’t have to be further tortured by the cries of healthy babies) was the standard at Prentice.  It turns out that on the Happy Mom floor the standard is more like that at the Holiday Inn Express.  But with nicer amenities.  It was also a surprise to learn that buzzing a nurse and being told “I’ll be right there” actually meant “I’ll be there within the next one to two hours then give you shit for asking for two pain killers instead of one” and “I’m taking your baby to the nursery for a test we’ll be back in twenty minutes” meant “I’ll take your baby for two hours and when you go to look for her your find her lying in the nursery and I won’t be anywhere to be found”.  We considered leaving early but knew the best thing for Hazel would be to stay and just be pushy about what we need from the nurses.

Saturday, December 17th:  We drove Hazel home and started our new life.  It was so strange to be freed from the tiny hospital room and feel like parents instead of patients.  After a family nap and feeding, we settled right in.