The Responsibilty of Anatomy- Thursday December 29th

At first I was very smug about having avoided the baby blues.  I thought that the special circumstances of Hazel’s birth helped me bypass the hormone crash that causes weepiness and frustration and self pity.  That was before I found myself feeding Hazel in my room on Christmas day, sobbing so loudly I kept startling her.

I’m trying to write about how much having my daughter makes me miss my son, but every time I start a paragraph I feel like an asshole.  I know that this is all normal, and I know it will pass.  But the intellectualism doesn’t override the emotionalism.

Having Tom home with us until mid-January is a blessing and a gift.  It’s so nice to have him next to me as we try and figure out how to be the parents we want to be.  I just didn’t realize that my anatomy required so much responsibility- To can only do so much without having his owns set of boobs.  Because I’m still trying to feign patience with breastfeeding, I can’t be away from Hazel very long.  Actually, I don’t want to be away from her at all, but it’d be nice to have a few hours without her chewing on my nipples.  I hate that I hate breastfeeding, and every day I swear I’ll call a lactation consultant.  Then I let the day pass, consumed with feeding and changing and trying to do a few chores whenever she closes her eyes.

I wonder if I’m using the frustrations of breastfeeding to cover for the aimless sadness I feel.  It’s a more concrete notion of failure.

Apart from these moments of fear and sadness, most of my days are spent marveling at this new human.  Hazel isn’t just beautiful, she’s hilarious.  Tom and I laugh uproariously when she stretches and yawns and practices faces.  She dons a seemingly endless parade of outfits with enviable grace and patience.  This child wore tights on Christmas eve without a peep of complaint- a feat I’ve never managed in my life.  Granted, they weren’t control top, but still all tights are annoying.

This blog post is a mess.  I meant to write lightheartedly about missing my son and resenting the usefulness of my boobs, but it didn’t really work out that way.  So please, when you read this imagine you’re reading something very clever and entertaining.  In the meantime I’m going to take a quick nap.

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Comments

  1. Sue says:

    Remember the email I sent you a while ago? Normal. Normal. Normal. Breath. Accept where you are when you’re there. And roll out of those uncomfortable feelings into laughter on a whim- and then back into misery and so on. Just be. You wont find an honest new mother in the world that will tell you it’s easy and there’s a bit of a ride that comes with it. I remember Rich bringing me pastrami from the bagel after Riley was born- I swear I felt like I had twigs in my hair- like a pig in poo-a burp cloth over my shoulder- in sweats- as she cried uncontrollably for most of his visit- sleep deprived and feeling completely not myself- I was a mess. I even joked about tossing her out a window..in search of my old life and such. Okay so I’m rambling. When can I come? I’ll bring you pastrami. xx

  2. Melissa says:

    Precious photo.

  3. Becky says:

    All of your feelings are normal. So glad that you are enjoying your new bundle. She looks precious. I think that you should definitely call a lactation consultant if you are struggling, because nursing your baby and having that time with her is a gift. It does hurt at first when your nipples are getting used to all that action. lol. Even though they say it shouldn’t, your body is still adjusting. I remember when I felt as if my son was always on the boob, but it gets better. I promise! I hope that you get all the kinks worked out, but do what feels right to you. Enjoy that baby!

  4. Meredith says:

    So many different circumstances for every mom but all of these feelings are normal. I can’t speak for all of it but the post partum bit and the breastfeeding do get better. Everyone can tell you a million pieces of advice about breastfeeding but there is only one you need to remember: Ask for help. Oh wait, one more: Ask for more help. You don’t have to do it by yourself. It’s insanely hard and having other women there for support and advice will help you through it, whether certified or even just experienced. If you want me to come over and help adjust your boobs or call me so I can listen and confirm that it is totally normal to feel like all you are doing is sitting all day and nursing and it’s not working and she’s still hungry and that it totally sucks, I will be more than happy to let you complain. Because you’re right. And then I’ll tell you just to stick out one more day… and one more day… the physical side effects of birthing and nursing do get SO much better. It just seems never-ending in the midst of it. Or I can recommend a really good post partum doula. Hang in there. Hazel is beautiful. You’re a lucky and amazing mama.

  5. Kristen says:

    Post-partum depression and hating breastfeeding are my two biggest fears. And it sounds like both are so, so common.
    Your baby is absolutely beautiful…

  6. Megan says:

    Hazel is beautiful. Congratulations! I have an idea – ask someone else to call the lactation consultant for you. There are plenty of things you can try like nipple shields, different positions, etc that can make a difference. Also, skip the chores in favor of naps. Chores can wait! I remember just constantly asking the universe for wisdom and confidence. You get there, little by little. I also remember feeling like I was so busy with feeding and changing and worrying that I didn’t feel like I was bonding. I remember thinking, “you can never tell anyone you feel this way.” 9 years later, I can laugh about it. :) A million congratulations. (sorry to be someone who is offering advice, but I can’t stop myself.)

  7. Leslie Ann says:

    Hey Momma!!! Hazel is so beautiful!!! I basically hated bfing also. But I did it for 10+ and 5 + months for my two girls. I would sit there and nurse and just feel mentally awful and hate it. I think in part because my breasts are ginormous to begin with (and I don’t like them!) and then the darn things didn’t produce much milk. And the teacher at the bfing class we attended prior to birth said to help avoid nipple confusion to bf exclusively for 6wks. No bottle or supplementing for 6wks. I/we did that both times, too. 6 wks seemed like forever at one moment, and then the next moment it seemed like it was attainable. Baby #1 was a slow, lazy eater; Baby #2 practically sucked my nipples off with gusto right from the start. With Baby #1 used nipple sheilds for 6+ months. Weird. I’m glad I stuck it out (no pun intended!). But I don’t know if I would’ve bf Baby #3…no more kids for us, so I’ll never know…oh well!!! xoxoxoxoxo Hang in there (pun intended!).

  8. Amy H says:

    Hang in there! Breastfeeding is very difficult. Don’t let anyone convince you it’s ‘natural’ because, really, having someone constantly sucking on your boobs? Not normal. And, yes, painful. I tried nursing my first baby without any help all the while suffering crippling post partum depression. I felt like such a failure. I remember going for her 2 week visit to the pediatrician and breaking down in tears because she was still not up to her birth weight, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and I was a sweaty, unbathed mess. I didn’t feel even remotely comfortable with feeding her until 6-8 weeks. So stick with it. It gets better. Having said that don’t feel guilty about not wanting to breastfeed. Entirely your choice. No point in persisting if you begin to resent doing it. You want your time with Hazel to be happy and comforting for you both. If that invloves a bottle, so be it. The first few months are so stressful, confusing and all consuming. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve, celebrate and sleep…you need all of that.

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