So Let’s Say – Monday April 23rd

Things aren’t going the way I want them to go.  Wait that’s not it.  Things are going the way I want them to and it’s not enough for me.  I should be more passionate.  I should be more enthusiastic.  I should be able to access joy authentically, not by gritting my teeth and forcing myself to.

Faking it until I made it worked, but it doesn’t feel real.  At least with the deep dark lows came the ridiculous highs.

I’m going to be more methodical.  I’m going to spend some time every day being active, being creative, being driven, being social.  And I’m going to god damn write it down and be accountable.

The problem is the same problem that I always have, the one everyone has, the problem that there’s always something to get in the way of doing the hard stuff.  But I’m tired of letting it get in the way.  I want to go back to my aggressive, driven self.  Not this complacent self.

So let’s say I can actually do this.  I worked out today, so I was active.  I wrote this shitty blog post, which I’m counting as creative.  I’m going to do some research for me New Big Idea, which will be driven.  And I’ll call a friend to be social.  I can do this, I can be methodical and focused.  I can be an adult.

I don’t want to wake up one morning as a 75 year old and say “well shit, I had every opportunity in the world, and all I did was watch the time go by”.

Maybe this afternoon I’ll actually write something that I’m proud of.  But for now, I’m proud that I’m pushing myself forward.

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