One secret is I was afraid to get pregnant. I know a lot of women are- you give up your old life, part of your old identity, work gets murky, your non-baby friends might fade away. I was afraid of those things but I was also afraid that my charmed life would doom me. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I know how dramatic that sounds. But I felt that dramatic about how easy my life had been. I had had bouts of depression and self-loathing, but it wasn’t anything that a good shrink and anti-depressent and a few years and the right man couldn’t clear up. My jokes about failing upwards weren’t jokes though. I really felt like I had had it easy, that things just kept working out in spite of my many attempts to sabotage myself. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So I became afraid of taking risks. I thought that the status quo was safer. Occasionally I got cornered into taking risks- like my Second City classes and required performances. When things like that worked out I thought- “Oh yea, I don’t believe in luck, I believe in logic and statistics, and statistically, some people are going to have an easier life than others.” (well…statistics and wonderful parents and supportive siblings and friends and a darling husband). I really wanted a baby though, despite my fears. So Tom and I talked it over, and my boss and I talked it over, and eventually I screwed up my courage and we went for it. And we got pregnant right away! I felt like I was prepared for anything that might go wrong, because I had so much love and support and good energy in my life. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But I never accounted for ending up with an empty belly and empty arms. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I guess this is the stage of mourning where I start feeling a bit angry and sorry for myself. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The other secret is that I never dreamt about my baby. But I did dream that he was going to come early, and I was so afraid and I didn’t know what to say or do to stop it. In the dream I knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t want to look like an annoying yuppie mother, so I didn’t scream. I didn’t demand. I remember that dream so vividly- I even told my boss about it the next day. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
One secret is I was afraid to get pregnant. I know a lot of women are- you give up your old life, part of your old identity, work gets murky, your non-baby friends might fade away. I was afraid of those things but I was also afraid that my charmed life would doom me. … Continue reading “A Secret I Might Have Already Told”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1963","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1963","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1963"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1963\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3533,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1963\/revisions\/3533"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1963"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1963"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1963"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}