Tom and I went to our first support group meeting last night. It was over two hours long. It was equally helpful and fucking awful. The thing is, I know I’m going to “get through” this. I know I’ll feel better someday. <\/p>\n
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\nIf I were in danger of closing the drapes and becoming a heroine addict it would’ve have happened already. Plus, Tom won’t let me. Plus I talk on the phone to my mom ten times a day and she’d totally figure it out. Plus, I’m a fucking human for god’s sake. I’m of the species that builds skyscrapers and sends people into outer space. I trust my brain. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nThe real problem isn’t learning how to get over the loss, it’s coming to terms with the fact that Tommy Jr is gone. Forever. That is not going to change, no matter how sad or happy I act.<\/p>\n
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That fact explains my current attempts to act out. My boss is concerned because I want to dye my hair blond. She’s intervening by sending me to a fancy hair colorists who will likely talk my out of my big plan. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nThe truth is I would do anything not to be this person. I would dye my hair, lose 40 pounds, get radical reconstructive surgery and shock treatments and move to New Mexico. I can’t be this person. This person who’s baby died. This person who ruined her little family. Who made her husband a childless father. Who disappointed four of the dearest parents who desperately wanted a grandchild. This person who has saggy breasts and rubs Bio oil on her stretch marks while crying and who still has to wear maternity jeans but has no baby in her arms. <\/p>\n
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I know I’ll get a lot of comments for writing what I just wrote. I know it’s not logical or factual, it’s just how I feel. I feel like my body ruined our lives. <\/p>\n
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<\/p>\n
On a positive note (aren’t you glad you read this far down) I’ve started feeling Tommy around. It happened a couple nights ago, I could just tell he was near. And last night I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn’t fall back asleep, but I didn’t mind because I could feel him. So I talked to him a little, told him some stories, and smiled a little. You have to take what you can get when some one passes away. If Tommy couldn’t stay here with me, but will visit me once in while in the dark when I’m half asleep…well I’m grateful for that. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Tom and I went to our first support group meeting last night. It was over two hours long. It was equally helpful and fucking awful. The thing is, I know I’m going to “get through” this. I know I’ll feel better someday. If I were in danger of closing the drapes and becoming a … Continue reading “Not Me”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1983","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1983"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1983\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3529,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1983\/revisions\/3529"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1983"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1983"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1983"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}