This weekend was difficult. As soon as I met Tom after work on Friday I was a wreck. Even when I wasn’t crying I was sullen or worse, surly. I think the surliness is from the tranquillizers. I don’t take them very often anymore- we’re even weening ourselves off them to sleep. But this weekend I had to make an exception. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I just couldn’t get above water. I felt emotionally and physically wrecked. I kept announcing loudly “My throat hurts” and scattering my shoes and clothes all over the apartment. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nEven Saturday night, we went to the movies early then to dinner. I laughed and laughed at the movies, then morphed into a teenager at dinner. I played annoyingly with my chop sticks, I stared at the ceiling. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I thought about the last time we had eaten at the restaurant and how thrilled I was that they had “fake” sushi- sushi with cooked fish. I was pregnant then and craving sushi like crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the whole dinner. I kept touching my belly to remind myself that it really was over…that I hadn’t just woken up from a horrible nightmare. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I’m trying to be kind to myself, and patient. I’m finally realizing that this grief is so much a part of me now, that I can’t avoid it or expect it to soften anytime soon. But I feel wedged in too. Like I can’t smoke- physically it made me want to barf and socially I got a half a dozen distressed emails and text messages about it. I can’t move away because we have concrete plans to stay. So many things I want to do to manage my grief come under scrutiny by people who don’t have any idea what I’m going through. And I don’t have the energy to stand up for myself. I’ve become such a mouse. It’s frustrating and I’m afraid of what happens when the lid finally blows off. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This weekend was difficult. As soon as I met Tom after work on Friday I was a wreck. Even when I wasn’t crying I was sullen or worse, surly. I think the surliness is from the tranquillizers. I don’t take them very often anymore- we’re even weening ourselves off them to sleep. But this weekend … Continue reading “Weepend”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2008","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2008","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2008"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2008\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2009,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2008\/revisions\/2009"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2008"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2008"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2008"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}