The clock keeps pushing the minutes forward. My Grama used to say this funny little rhyme about a doll filled with sawdust. Thats how I feel some days, like I’m full of sawdust. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nI used to write a funny advice column here. It started as an outlet for my frustration, then turned into a practice space for my writing, then a place I was proud of: a compilation of my hopefulness, my faith in being lighthearted and forgiving. Sometimes my moodiness crept in, but for the most part I was my best self here. Even when I was joking around about being lazy or a bad worker I always wanted to be true to my belief that life is wonderful.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nThis blog has come so far from what I meant it to be. I guess I feel like so many things in my life are so different from what I meant them to be. I still think life is wonderful, I’m just sometimes consumed with grief. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nNow what? As I sit at this tiny desk scattered with sympathy cards and insurance bills I am finally realizing that it’s time to adjust. I have to adjust my plans, my dreams, my expectations. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nMaybe I have to adjust this blog- just the layout to start. I’m probably just grasping at the few things I do have control over. My stomach is rumbling satisfactorily. Maybe I’ll become one of those women who uses food to assert control over my life. I wish I could start by cleaning up this fucking desk. I just lifted a few sympathy cards to find several drafts of Tom’s and my speeches from the memorial service. I can’t seem to throw them away. I can’t seem to do anything that would help me restore a sense of order in my life. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nWhat I just wrote is misleading- there was never a lot of order in my life. I never liked cleaning or making decisions or doing paperwork. But now it’s like all my bad habits are on rocket fuel. And I can’t stop complaining about not being able to act out. I wish I could get it through my heart that acting out isn’t going to get me anywhere. I know I’m doing this right (right for me anyway). My brain knows I am getting somewhere, that my grief isn’t going to destroy me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\nStill, the way I cry is so remarkable. Big fat tears pour out of my eyes until they sting like I’ve been swimming with my eyes open. I sob until I can’t breathe. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The clock keeps pushing the minutes forward. My Grama used to say this funny little rhyme about a doll filled with sawdust. Thats how I feel some days, like I’m full of sawdust. I used to write a funny advice column here. It started as an outlet for my frustration, then turned into a … Continue reading “What This Was”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2033","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2033","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2033"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2033\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3519,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2033\/revisions\/3519"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2033"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2033"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.poorluckyme.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2033"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}